“I’m talking Spy bags/ and fly pads and/ Rooms at the Bloom-berg/ and ru-mors/ you on the verge of a new-merge/ cause that rock on your finger’s like a tu-mor/ you can’t fit you hand in your new-purse”

”Ring the Alarm” features a typically cool, collected and demure Beyoncé absolutely tripping. The psycho ex-girlfriend theme is played, and frankly a little scary. True fans will certainly compare this one to 2003’s “Me, Myself and I.” I’m all for multi-dimensionality in an album, but “Ring the Alarm” is a serious departure from the man-friendly theme of the first half of the disc. “Kitty Kat” is a playful breather on which B milks a pussy-cat/sex metaphor for all it’s worth while dismissing a boyfriend because he has better things to do than lust after her body.

Yeah right.

To make matters worse she sing-raps a verse or two as well, including one Kelis-inspired line where she gets a little bossy:

“Rock diamonds on my neck, got diamonds on my records/ since sixteen I was coming down ridin Lexus”

“Freakum Dress” is also good-and-horrible. The Neptunes come through in a big way with “Green Light,” on which Beyoncé sounds like Amerie trying to sound like Beyoncé. Perhaps the best production on B-Day comes from an anonymous Norwegian pop music production team known as Stargate on “Irreplaceable.” “Irreplaceable” is a feel-good, stand-up-for yourself, sing-along rallying cry for self-respecting women everywhere; made specifically for all those cocky guys out there who think they’re God’s gift to females.

Like I said: yeah right.

Speaking of God, “Resentment” sounds like church music. He lied. You moved on. Get over it already. There’s also a hidden track (ooohhh) which is a song from Beyoncé’s upcoming starring role in the silver-screen musical Dreamgirls. “Listen” is a heartfelt preview of the highly anticipated musical, and Dreamgirls (due out Christmas 2006) just might serve as a brilliant encore to B-Day. B-Day might not be Beyonce on her best day, but then again I’d take Beyoncé any day of the week.