Porn Vs. The Bedroom: Class Is In Session

While anti-porn organizations such as the XXX Church warn against the possible detrimental effects of viewing salacious materials (including addiction, marital problems, and contributing to what some believe to be the degradation of women), some couples across the globe swear by pornography to add spark into the bedroom and rekindle dwindling flames. Yes, I agree [that for some, porn can help marriages] says a XXX Church advocate, But there are much better ways available that dont involve pornography.

With the stigma of pornography decreasing, instead of stashing explicit movies in hidden computer files, or in the darkest corner of the dustiest closet, many couples are turning towards pornography to learn new positions, role-playing ideas, and of course just as an added turn-on in bed. Just over a week ago, at the 2009 Adult Entertainment Expo [AEE], sex educator/ porn legend Nina Hartley and sex educator/ columnist Jamye Waxman gave a frank, fun, and informative seminar on how to incorporate porn into our everyday sex lives, pointing out the vital differences between porn sex and real sex, and also responded to the anti-pornography messages from places like XXX Church.

Ive never had any bad experiences in the industry, Nina tells HipHopDX exclusively. I really like what I do. I embrace my role as a sex symbol who really delivers. Ive had days at work where the guy was less than friendly, but Ive never felt threatened or in danger. The only time Ive ever been in real danger was when I did Pussyman 15, and against my then-husbands advice I did a scene on a boat and it ended up sinking. We had to be rescued by the coast guard! But that was because the producer was a cheap mother Fer. [Laughs] To people who have a lot of traditional religious values, porn will probably not feel right to you. If you have a lot of guilt and shame about your body or pleasure then porn will feel against God. Some people feel that sex is private and porn is an affront to morality and to the sanctity of marriage. I wish that [the XXX Church] would stay the heck away from [the AEE], however if a person has a problem with porn, I think its great that they provide a place for people to go. I just wish they could find a non-religious way to do it."

For those who are in the growing numbers of couples and singles taking cues from porn, Class is now in session:

The Dos:

Always practice safe and sanitary sex. While all of the standard rules of regular STI/STD testing and prophylactic use apply, also take into consideration the idea physical safety (avoiding injury) and cross-contamination of bacteria, especially when involving anal play. Jamye says: On film you always see people who are in one position having sex, then its oh, I wanna give it to you up the ass and the guy goes right inif you try that in real life, you will never have anal sex again! [Laughs] What you dont see is the girl (or guy) behind the scenes getting ready for the anal sex scene. She usually doesnt eat at all that day. She usually does a water enema before the scene to flush herself out. Then before the scene starts, she puts something up her ass usually a butt plug or anal beadsto get her ass ready for the sex. And she will sit with it up her butt while she gets her make-up done.

The other thing you dont see in porn is the use of lube. The butt doesnt self-lubricate, so you need to use lube. Spit and vaginal lubrication are never enough. In porn, they already put the lube on before the scene, because in porn, the viewer doesnt want to see lube and condoms being put onso they say at least; I personally think its sexy. Always use lube, and always be sure to cover the vagina with baby wipes so it doesnt drip from the anus to the vagina.

Or have her on her side Nina adds, Put on some latex gloves to tickle her anus and make sure its readysee how its feeling. As soon as her butt is ready and lubed, take off the glove. If youre gonna fuck her doggystyle in the butt then have her hold a baby-wipe over her vagina so the lube doesnt drip from your dick or her ass and into her vagina. Or do it missionary or spooning so you dont have to worryOne wrong move-- shes outta commission for 10 days and boy are you not popular. [Laughs] Ass to mouth is a huge no. Theres a huge amount of bacteria that can be transferred. If your spouse wants to go there; its your choice, but you can not double dip. You cant go from ass to pussy. You must change condoms. Period.

Be comfortable with your body, even if it isnt "porn-star perfect." Jamye assures all men that Not all women want an eight inch cock. Honest to goodness. What we really want is an experience with you. Porn sex is fantasy sex; the women have near-perfect bodies and tons of make-up and the men have huge cocks. We are paid to look good on camera and look like were having fun. Thats the biggest difference between porn sex and real sex. There are plotted positions and lots of starting and stopping and faked orgasms-gasp! Yes, we fake many orgasmsshocking isnt it?

Learn how to talk dirty according to your comfort level. In porn we always hear things like Yeah, yeah, fuck me with that big cock baby! Says Nina, But remember that the viewer cant touch the people. They cant feel them or smell the sex. So the actors are just trying to communicate a feeling through the screen. Some porn stars go a little over the top with it. Talking dirty isnt always about using four-letter wordsbut dont be afraid of using the vernacular either, because while Oh yeah, put your mouth on my vulva! is technically correct-its Latin [laughs], suck my pussy is more appropriate for the moment. Just dont go overboard.

Im not a big dirty-talker. Jamye admits, Im pretty shy about it. So if you have a hard time with dirty-talk, a really easy way to get into it comfortably is just describe what youre doing or what youre going to do next: Im gonna kiss your neck then work my way down to your nipples, then Im gonna nibble on your nipples, then stick my tongue in your belly button, then Im gonna kiss your thighs. It doesnt have to be all about fuck me harder. You can just say Oh that feels so good.

Go the extra mile to look good. You dont have to go with a full-out costume like in porn. But even just wearing a really nice pair of heels can be sexy, says Jamye. They dont have to be stripper shoes. What I recommend people do is find a really nice pair that makes you feel sexy and keep them just for sexdont wear them outside of the bedroom at all. So that can become part of the excitement. Hell know Oh my God, shes putting on The Shoes; lucky me! Those shoes will always be associated with great sex. You dont have to do a whole schoolgirl outfit; just be confident. And you dont really have to walk around in them either. I hate heels. My partner thinks heels are the sexiest thing ever. So I put them on and walk two fee over to the bed, then theyre up in the air!

I have a friend of mine, Nina adds, until she died at the age of 88 she was still having sexmostly lots of oral. And she couldnt walk in very high heels but she could put them on her feet before sex-- and she felt so sexy and young with them on. Her inner 25 year old would come out. Caring enough to go out of your way shows that you still care about your partners eyeballs. I think the one of the biggest bummers about the feminist movement has been women dismissing mens visual nature. They think why should I have to [look a certain way for him?] Well, hes your partner and you should both want to look good for each otherso wear a pair of shoes!"

Men should think about the underwear theyre wearing too, says Jamye. I think boxer briefs are sexy. Women dont wanna see your boxers that you still have from when you were a teenager because they have the Irish charms on them. We want something a little sexy tooeven if its a banana hammockthose are cute too. But play with the idea that you can be sexy too. Fireman hats, or any little thing that shows off who you are or want to play today. Play into the fantasy.

Compromise rather than reject. What you dont see a lot of in porn is people saying no, unless its part of a fantasy, says Jamye. You dont hear people saying, Dont do that or I dont like that. So instead of giving orders in bed, try saying something more gentle like Baby, that feels good, but remember how I said before that it feels even better a little to the left? it really makes a big difference how you say no.

Enjoy yourself and each other. We all have flaws, Nina points out, But most men dont want perfect bodies; they want a partner that is confident with who they are. You cant concentrate on how porn actors look so great and how you may have cellulite, because thats not sexy and it will show.

The key to the best sex ever is enthusiasm and confidence, adds Jamye. Thats all you need. Its really important for both partners to have that. The brain is a way bigger sex organ than any other in the body.

The Dont's:

Dont be afraid to plan ahead. People talk about how scheduling sex is boring. Everyone wants it to be spontaneous, like in college, but people have work and kids and priorities. But scheduling sex can be fun. If you make plans for Thursday at 8pm, then all week you get to think about how hot its gonna be. Then when you get there, thats when you get to have that spontaneity, says Nina.

Porn sex is scheduled sex too, Jamye adds. People have scheduled days that they have to dedicate to having sex. Sometimes theyre really into it, and other times it takes awhile to get into it. If you think all sex is supposed to happen spontaneously; thats just unrealistic.

Dont think sex has to be a three-ring circus. Nina says, I dont do the pile-driver position because its dangerous putting all the pressure of your body (and your partners body) on the base of your neck. Its very visual, and very hot according to the porn industry, but at home, its not really functional at all. I love missionary. The basics are there for a reason. At home, I do a lot of missionary variations, and doggy. Every couple has two or three positions that work for them. Usually its missionary for her orgasm and doggy for his.

Jamye reminds us all that What you see in film, all of those crazy positions, is simply because they look good on camera. They allow for great camera angles where you can see the penetration. But mirrors at home can be really hot. It makes sex more visual and that can be really hot!

Dont bring work into the bedroom. Porn stars have to show up to work ready to dedicate their time to the job no matter what else is going on in their life, says Jamye. They have to at least look like theyre having fun; even when sex is the furthest thing from their mind. At home, you cant be having sex while thinking Honey, did you forget to take out the trash again? What you say and think during sex is so important."

Dont always look to porn to perfect your technique. Porn is a show. Its entertainment. Its all about lighting and camera angles, says Nina. When you perform cunnilingus correctly, you shouldnt be able to see shit. In porn, you see the guy or girls tongue licking pussybut if youre doing it right you shouldnt be able to see that. I dont lick pussy; I suck pussy. Any woman will tell you thats what feels best; but its not visually appealing. They want the camera all in the womans crotch. So when you see all this tongue, thats just for the camera. Thats not how its really supposed to be done.

As far as deep throating? Jamye claims, Its not something that all men or woman want to do, or have done. And also, its not something that is necessary to give a good blowjob. They like it in porn because its pretty dramatic looking. But in porn, people are paid to be excessive. If you do want to try it at home, my advice is to take the penis in when its flaccid or semi-erect. You can go down further that way. Also, use your hand as an extension of your mouth. So many people see these women in porn with tears in their eyes, gagging on it. I find deep-throating, as a skill, to be completely overrated. All you need is effort and enthusiasm. And thats really all your partner wants. Effort and enthusiasm. Say Baby, Im gonna go down as far as I can but I dont know if it will all fit because youre soooo biiig thats a perfect compliment."

Dont forget your spouse. Men are like microwaves and women are like ovens. Three-to-five minutes for a guy to orgasm vs. 15-20 minutes for a woman, says Jamye. In adult movies, sometimes youll see a woman having an orgasm as soon as the man enters her, or within the first few minutesyes, its possible, but for most women, it takes a lot longer, and in many cases in porn, its being faked. You will see genuine orgasms in film, the feminist movement in porn has been great with making movies that are more real,' but in most films a lot of the orgasms are faked. At least 75% of the time.

And just to avoid any unnecessary arguments, Nina strongly advises: Be sure that your partner knows that you want them, and not the actor or actress on the screen. You might be thinking in your head That porn star is so hot, she has the perfect ass! but yeahkeep that shit to yourself!"