While anti-porn organizations such as the XXX Church warn against the possible detrimental effects of viewing salacious materials (including addiction, marital problems, and contributing to what some believe to be the degradation of women), some couples across the globe swear by pornography to add spark into the bedroom and rekindle dwindling flames. “Yes, I agree [that for some, porn can help marriages]” says a XXX Church advocate, “But there are much better ways available that don’t involve pornography.”
With the stigma of pornography decreasing, instead of stashing explicit movies in hidden computer files, or in the darkest corner of the dustiest closet, many couples are turning towards pornography to learn new positions, role-playing ideas, and of course just as an added turn-on in bed. Just over a week ago, at the 2009 Adult Entertainment Expo [AEE], sex educator/ porn legend Nina Hartley and sex educator/ columnist Jamye Waxman gave a frank, fun, and informative seminar on how to incorporate porn into our everyday sex lives, pointing out the vital differences between porn sex and ‘real’ sex, and also responded to the anti-pornography messages from places like XXX Church.
“I’ve never had any bad experiences in the industry,” Nina tells HipHopDX exclusively. “I really like what I do. I embrace my role as a sex symbol who really delivers. I’ve had days at work where the guy was less than friendly, but I’ve never felt threatened or in danger. The only time I’ve ever been in real danger was when I did Pussyman 15, and against my then-husband’s advice I did a scene on a boat and it ended up sinking. We had to be rescued by the coast guard! But that was because the producer was a cheap mother F’er. [Laughs] To people who have a lot of traditional religious values, porn will probably not feel ‘right’ to you. If you have a lot of guilt and shame about your body or pleasure then porn will feel ‘against’ God. Some people feel that sex is private and porn is an affront to morality and to the sanctity of marriage. I wish that [the XXX Church] would stay the heck away from [the AEE], however if a person has a problem with porn, I think its great that they provide a place for people to go. I just wish they could find a non-religious way to do it."
For those who are in the growing numbers of couples and singles taking cues from porn, Class is now in session:
The Do’s:
Always practice safe and sanitary sex. While all of the standard rules of regular STI/STD testing and prophylactic use apply, also take into consideration the idea physical safety (avoiding injury) and cross-contamination of bacteria, especially when involving anal play. Jamye says: “On film you always see people who are in one position having sex, then its ‘oh, I wanna give it to you up the ass’ and the guy goes right in…if you try that in real life, you will never have anal sex again! [Laughs] What you don’t see is the girl (or guy) behind the scenes getting ready for the anal sex scene. She usually doesn’t eat at all that day. She usually does a water enema before the scene to flush herself out. Then before the scene starts, she puts something up her ass –usually a butt plug or anal beads—to get her ass ready for the sex. And she will sit with it up her butt while she gets her make-up done.
The other thing you don’t see in porn is the use of lube. The butt doesn’t self-lubricate, so you need to use lube. Spit and vaginal lubrication are never enough. In porn, they already put the lube on before the scene, because in porn, the viewer doesn’t want to see lube and condoms being put on…so they say at least; I personally think it’s sexy. Always use lube, and always be sure to cover the vagina with baby wipes so it doesn’t drip from the anus to the vagina.”
“Or have her on her side” Nina adds, “Put on some latex gloves to tickle her anus and make sure it’s ready…see how it’s feeling. As soon as her butt is ready and lubed, take off the glove. If you’re gonna fuck her doggystyle in the butt then have her hold a baby-wipe over her vagina so the lube doesn’t drip from your dick or her ass and into her vagina. Or do it missionary or spooning so you don’t have to worry…One wrong move-- she’s outta commission for 10 days and boy are you not popular. [Laughs] Ass to mouth is a huge no. There’s a huge amount of bacteria that can be transferred. If your spouse wants to go there; it’s your choice, but you can not double dip. You can’t go from ass to pussy. You must change condoms. Period.”
Be comfortable with your body, even if it isn’t "porn-star perfect." Jamye assures all men that “Not all women want an eight inch cock. Honest to goodness. What we really want is an experience with you. Porn sex is fantasy sex; the women have near-perfect bodies and tons of make-up and the men have huge cocks. We are paid to look good on camera and look like we’re having fun. That’s the biggest difference between porn sex and real sex. There are plotted positions and lots of starting and stopping and faked orgasms-gasp! Yes, we fake many orgasms…shocking isn’t it?”
Learn how to talk dirty according to your comfort level. “In porn we always hear things like ‘Yeah, yeah, fuck me with that big cock baby!’” Says Nina, “But remember that the viewer can’t touch the people. They can’t feel them or smell the sex. So the actors are just trying to communicate a feeling through the screen. Some porn stars go a little over the top with it. Talking dirty isn’t always about using four-letter words…but don’t be afraid of using the vernacular either, because while ‘Oh yeah, put your mouth on my vulva!’ is technically correct-it’s Latin [laughs], ‘suck my pussy’ is more appropriate for the moment. Just don’t go overboard.”
“I’m not a big dirty-talker.” Jamye admits, “I’m pretty shy about it. So if you have a hard time with dirty-talk, a really easy way to get into it comfortably is just describe what you’re doing or what you’re going to do next: ‘I’m gonna kiss your neck then work my way down to your nipples, then I’m gonna nibble on your nipples, then stick my tongue in your belly button, then I’m gonna kiss your thighs.’ It doesn’t have to be all about ‘fuck me harder’. You can just say ‘Oh that feels so good.’”
Go the extra mile to look good. “You don’t have to go with a full-out costume like in porn. But even just wearing a really nice pair of heels can be sexy,” says Jamye. “They don’t have to be stripper shoes. What I recommend people do is find a really nice pair that makes you feel sexy and keep them just for sex—don’t wear them outside of the bedroom at all. So that can become part of the excitement. He’ll know ‘Oh my God, she’s putting on ‘The Shoes”; lucky me!’ Those shoes will always be associated with great sex. You don’t have to do a whole schoolgirl outfit; just be confident. And you don’t really have to walk around in them either. I hate heels. My partner thinks heels are the sexiest thing ever. So I put them on and walk two fee over to the bed, then they’re up in the air!”
“I have a friend of mine,” Nina adds, “until she died at the age of 88 she was still having sex—mostly lots of oral. And she couldn’t walk in very high heels but she could put them on her feet before sex-- and she felt so sexy and young with them on. Her inner 25 year old would come out. Caring enough to go out of your way shows that you still care about your partner’s eyeballs. I think the one of the biggest bummers about the feminist movement has been women dismissing men’s visual nature. They think ‘why should I have to [look a certain way for him?]’ Well, he’s your partner and you should both want to look good for each other…so wear a pair of shoes!"
“Men should think about the underwear they’re wearing too,” says Jamye. “I think boxer briefs are sexy. Women don’t wanna see your boxers that you still have from when you were a teenager because they have the Irish charms on them. We want something a little sexy too…even if it’s a banana hammock…those are cute too. But play with the idea that you can be sexy too. Fireman hats, or any little thing that shows off who you are or want to play today. Play into the fantasy.”
Compromise rather than reject. “What you don’t see a lot of in porn is people saying no, unless it’s part of a fantasy,” says Jamye. “You don’t hear people saying, ‘Don’t do that’ or ‘I don’t like that.’ So instead of giving orders in bed, try saying something more gentle like ‘Baby, that feels good, but remember how I said before that it feels even better a little to the left?’ it really makes a big difference how you say no.”
Enjoy yourself and each other. “We all have flaws,” Nina points out, “But most men don’t want perfect bodies; they want a partner that is confident with who they are. You can’t concentrate on how porn actors look so great and how you may have cellulite, because that’s not sexy and it will show.”
“The key to the best sex ever is enthusiasm and confidence,” adds Jamye. “That’s all you need. It’s really important for both partners to have that. The brain is a way bigger sex organ than any other in the body.”
The Don’t's:
Don’t be afraid to plan ahead. “People talk about how scheduling sex is boring. Everyone wants it to be spontaneous, like in college, but people have work and kids and priorities. But scheduling sex can be fun. If you make plans for Thursday at 8pm, then all week you get to think about how hot it’s gonna be. Then when you get there, that’s when you get to have that spontaneity,” says Nina.
“Porn sex is scheduled sex too,” Jamye adds. “People have scheduled days that they have to dedicate to having sex. Sometimes they’re really into it, and other times it takes awhile to get into it. If you think all sex is supposed to happen spontaneously; that’s just unrealistic.”
Don’t think sex has to be a three-ring circus. Nina says, “I don’t do the pile-driver position because it’s dangerous putting all the pressure of your body (and your partner’s body) on the base of your neck. It’s very visual, and very ‘hot’ according to the porn industry, but at home, it’s not really functional at all. I love missionary. The basics are there for a reason. At home, I do a lot of missionary variations, and doggy. Every couple has two or three positions that work for them. Usually it’s missionary for her orgasm and doggy for his.”
Jamye reminds us all that “What you see in film, all of those crazy positions, is simply because they look good on camera. They allow for great camera angles where you can see the penetration. But mirrors at home can be really hot. It makes sex more visual and that can be really hot!”
Don’t bring work into the bedroom. “Porn stars have to show up to work ready to dedicate their time to the job no matter what else is going on in their life,” says Jamye. “They have to at least look like they’re having fun; even when sex is the furthest thing from their mind. At home, you can’t be having sex while thinking ‘Honey, did you forget to take out the trash again?’ What you say and think during sex is so important."
Don’t always look to porn to perfect your technique. “Porn is a show. It’s entertainment. It’s all about lighting and camera angles,” says Nina. “When you perform cunnilingus correctly, you shouldn’t be able to see shit. In porn, you see the guy or girl’s tongue licking pussy—but if you’re doing it right you shouldn’t be able to see that. I don’t lick pussy; I suck pussy. Any woman will tell you that’s what feels best; but it’s not visually appealing. They want the camera all in the woman’s crotch. So when you see all this tongue, that’s just for the camera. That’s not how it’s really supposed to be done.”
As far as deep throating? Jamye claims, “It’s not something that all men or woman want to do, or have done. And also, it’s not something that is necessary to give a good blowjob. They like it in porn because it’s pretty dramatic looking. But in porn, people are paid to be excessive. If you do want to try it at home, my advice is to take the penis in when it’s flaccid or semi-erect. You can go down further that way. Also, use your hand as an extension of your mouth. So many people see these women in porn with tears in their eyes, gagging on it. I find deep-throating, as a skill, to be completely overrated. All you need is effort and enthusiasm. And that’s really all your partner wants. Effort and enthusiasm. Say ‘Baby, I’m gonna go down as far as I can …but I don’t know if it will all fit because you’re soooo biiig’ that’s a perfect compliment."
Don’t forget your spouse. “Men are like microwaves and women are like ovens. Three-to-five minutes for a guy to orgasm vs. 15-20 minutes for a woman,” says Jamye. “In adult movies, sometimes you’ll see a woman having an orgasm as soon as the man enters her, or within the first few minutes…yes, it’s possible, but for most women, it takes a lot longer, and in many cases in porn, it’s being faked. You will see genuine orgasms in film, the feminist movement in porn has been great with making movies that are more ‘real,' but in most films a lot of the orgasms are faked. At least 75% of the time.”
And just to avoid any unnecessary arguments, Nina strongly advises: “Be sure that your partner knows that you want them, and not the actor or actress on the screen. You might be thinking in your head ‘That porn star is so hot, she has the perfect ass!’ but yeah…keep that shit to yourself!"
With the stigma of pornography decreasing, instead of stashing explicit movies in hidden computer files, or in the darkest corner of the dustiest closet, many couples are turning towards pornography to learn new positions, role-playing ideas, and of course just as an added turn-on in bed. Just over a week ago, at the 2009 Adult Entertainment Expo [AEE], sex educator/ porn legend Nina Hartley and sex educator/ columnist Jamye Waxman gave a frank, fun, and informative seminar on how to incorporate porn into our everyday sex lives, pointing out the vital differences between porn sex and ‘real’ sex, and also responded to the anti-pornography messages from places like XXX Church.
“I’ve never had any bad experiences in the industry,” Nina tells HipHopDX exclusively. “I really like what I do. I embrace my role as a sex symbol who really delivers. I’ve had days at work where the guy was less than friendly, but I’ve never felt threatened or in danger. The only time I’ve ever been in real danger was when I did Pussyman 15, and against my then-husband’s advice I did a scene on a boat and it ended up sinking. We had to be rescued by the coast guard! But that was because the producer was a cheap mother F’er. [Laughs] To people who have a lot of traditional religious values, porn will probably not feel ‘right’ to you. If you have a lot of guilt and shame about your body or pleasure then porn will feel ‘against’ God. Some people feel that sex is private and porn is an affront to morality and to the sanctity of marriage. I wish that [the XXX Church] would stay the heck away from [the AEE], however if a person has a problem with porn, I think its great that they provide a place for people to go. I just wish they could find a non-religious way to do it."
For those who are in the growing numbers of couples and singles taking cues from porn, Class is now in session:
The Do’s:
Always practice safe and sanitary sex. While all of the standard rules of regular STI/STD testing and prophylactic use apply, also take into consideration the idea physical safety (avoiding injury) and cross-contamination of bacteria, especially when involving anal play. Jamye says: “On film you always see people who are in one position having sex, then its ‘oh, I wanna give it to you up the ass’ and the guy goes right in…if you try that in real life, you will never have anal sex again! [Laughs] What you don’t see is the girl (or guy) behind the scenes getting ready for the anal sex scene. She usually doesn’t eat at all that day. She usually does a water enema before the scene to flush herself out. Then before the scene starts, she puts something up her ass –usually a butt plug or anal beads—to get her ass ready for the sex. And she will sit with it up her butt while she gets her make-up done.
The other thing you don’t see in porn is the use of lube. The butt doesn’t self-lubricate, so you need to use lube. Spit and vaginal lubrication are never enough. In porn, they already put the lube on before the scene, because in porn, the viewer doesn’t want to see lube and condoms being put on…so they say at least; I personally think it’s sexy. Always use lube, and always be sure to cover the vagina with baby wipes so it doesn’t drip from the anus to the vagina.”
“Or have her on her side” Nina adds, “Put on some latex gloves to tickle her anus and make sure it’s ready…see how it’s feeling. As soon as her butt is ready and lubed, take off the glove. If you’re gonna fuck her doggystyle in the butt then have her hold a baby-wipe over her vagina so the lube doesn’t drip from your dick or her ass and into her vagina. Or do it missionary or spooning so you don’t have to worry…One wrong move-- she’s outta commission for 10 days and boy are you not popular. [Laughs] Ass to mouth is a huge no. There’s a huge amount of bacteria that can be transferred. If your spouse wants to go there; it’s your choice, but you can not double dip. You can’t go from ass to pussy. You must change condoms. Period.”
Be comfortable with your body, even if it isn’t "porn-star perfect." Jamye assures all men that “Not all women want an eight inch cock. Honest to goodness. What we really want is an experience with you. Porn sex is fantasy sex; the women have near-perfect bodies and tons of make-up and the men have huge cocks. We are paid to look good on camera and look like we’re having fun. That’s the biggest difference between porn sex and real sex. There are plotted positions and lots of starting and stopping and faked orgasms-gasp! Yes, we fake many orgasms…shocking isn’t it?”
Learn how to talk dirty according to your comfort level. “In porn we always hear things like ‘Yeah, yeah, fuck me with that big cock baby!’” Says Nina, “But remember that the viewer can’t touch the people. They can’t feel them or smell the sex. So the actors are just trying to communicate a feeling through the screen. Some porn stars go a little over the top with it. Talking dirty isn’t always about using four-letter words…but don’t be afraid of using the vernacular either, because while ‘Oh yeah, put your mouth on my vulva!’ is technically correct-it’s Latin [laughs], ‘suck my pussy’ is more appropriate for the moment. Just don’t go overboard.”
“I’m not a big dirty-talker.” Jamye admits, “I’m pretty shy about it. So if you have a hard time with dirty-talk, a really easy way to get into it comfortably is just describe what you’re doing or what you’re going to do next: ‘I’m gonna kiss your neck then work my way down to your nipples, then I’m gonna nibble on your nipples, then stick my tongue in your belly button, then I’m gonna kiss your thighs.’ It doesn’t have to be all about ‘fuck me harder’. You can just say ‘Oh that feels so good.’”
Go the extra mile to look good. “You don’t have to go with a full-out costume like in porn. But even just wearing a really nice pair of heels can be sexy,” says Jamye. “They don’t have to be stripper shoes. What I recommend people do is find a really nice pair that makes you feel sexy and keep them just for sex—don’t wear them outside of the bedroom at all. So that can become part of the excitement. He’ll know ‘Oh my God, she’s putting on ‘The Shoes”; lucky me!’ Those shoes will always be associated with great sex. You don’t have to do a whole schoolgirl outfit; just be confident. And you don’t really have to walk around in them either. I hate heels. My partner thinks heels are the sexiest thing ever. So I put them on and walk two fee over to the bed, then they’re up in the air!”
“I have a friend of mine,” Nina adds, “until she died at the age of 88 she was still having sex—mostly lots of oral. And she couldn’t walk in very high heels but she could put them on her feet before sex-- and she felt so sexy and young with them on. Her inner 25 year old would come out. Caring enough to go out of your way shows that you still care about your partner’s eyeballs. I think the one of the biggest bummers about the feminist movement has been women dismissing men’s visual nature. They think ‘why should I have to [look a certain way for him?]’ Well, he’s your partner and you should both want to look good for each other…so wear a pair of shoes!"
“Men should think about the underwear they’re wearing too,” says Jamye. “I think boxer briefs are sexy. Women don’t wanna see your boxers that you still have from when you were a teenager because they have the Irish charms on them. We want something a little sexy too…even if it’s a banana hammock…those are cute too. But play with the idea that you can be sexy too. Fireman hats, or any little thing that shows off who you are or want to play today. Play into the fantasy.”
Compromise rather than reject. “What you don’t see a lot of in porn is people saying no, unless it’s part of a fantasy,” says Jamye. “You don’t hear people saying, ‘Don’t do that’ or ‘I don’t like that.’ So instead of giving orders in bed, try saying something more gentle like ‘Baby, that feels good, but remember how I said before that it feels even better a little to the left?’ it really makes a big difference how you say no.”
Enjoy yourself and each other. “We all have flaws,” Nina points out, “But most men don’t want perfect bodies; they want a partner that is confident with who they are. You can’t concentrate on how porn actors look so great and how you may have cellulite, because that’s not sexy and it will show.”
“The key to the best sex ever is enthusiasm and confidence,” adds Jamye. “That’s all you need. It’s really important for both partners to have that. The brain is a way bigger sex organ than any other in the body.”
The Don’t's:
Don’t be afraid to plan ahead. “People talk about how scheduling sex is boring. Everyone wants it to be spontaneous, like in college, but people have work and kids and priorities. But scheduling sex can be fun. If you make plans for Thursday at 8pm, then all week you get to think about how hot it’s gonna be. Then when you get there, that’s when you get to have that spontaneity,” says Nina.
“Porn sex is scheduled sex too,” Jamye adds. “People have scheduled days that they have to dedicate to having sex. Sometimes they’re really into it, and other times it takes awhile to get into it. If you think all sex is supposed to happen spontaneously; that’s just unrealistic.”
Don’t think sex has to be a three-ring circus. Nina says, “I don’t do the pile-driver position because it’s dangerous putting all the pressure of your body (and your partner’s body) on the base of your neck. It’s very visual, and very ‘hot’ according to the porn industry, but at home, it’s not really functional at all. I love missionary. The basics are there for a reason. At home, I do a lot of missionary variations, and doggy. Every couple has two or three positions that work for them. Usually it’s missionary for her orgasm and doggy for his.”
Jamye reminds us all that “What you see in film, all of those crazy positions, is simply because they look good on camera. They allow for great camera angles where you can see the penetration. But mirrors at home can be really hot. It makes sex more visual and that can be really hot!”
Don’t bring work into the bedroom. “Porn stars have to show up to work ready to dedicate their time to the job no matter what else is going on in their life,” says Jamye. “They have to at least look like they’re having fun; even when sex is the furthest thing from their mind. At home, you can’t be having sex while thinking ‘Honey, did you forget to take out the trash again?’ What you say and think during sex is so important."
Don’t always look to porn to perfect your technique. “Porn is a show. It’s entertainment. It’s all about lighting and camera angles,” says Nina. “When you perform cunnilingus correctly, you shouldn’t be able to see shit. In porn, you see the guy or girl’s tongue licking pussy—but if you’re doing it right you shouldn’t be able to see that. I don’t lick pussy; I suck pussy. Any woman will tell you that’s what feels best; but it’s not visually appealing. They want the camera all in the woman’s crotch. So when you see all this tongue, that’s just for the camera. That’s not how it’s really supposed to be done.”
As far as deep throating? Jamye claims, “It’s not something that all men or woman want to do, or have done. And also, it’s not something that is necessary to give a good blowjob. They like it in porn because it’s pretty dramatic looking. But in porn, people are paid to be excessive. If you do want to try it at home, my advice is to take the penis in when it’s flaccid or semi-erect. You can go down further that way. Also, use your hand as an extension of your mouth. So many people see these women in porn with tears in their eyes, gagging on it. I find deep-throating, as a skill, to be completely overrated. All you need is effort and enthusiasm. And that’s really all your partner wants. Effort and enthusiasm. Say ‘Baby, I’m gonna go down as far as I can …but I don’t know if it will all fit because you’re soooo biiig’ that’s a perfect compliment."
Don’t forget your spouse. “Men are like microwaves and women are like ovens. Three-to-five minutes for a guy to orgasm vs. 15-20 minutes for a woman,” says Jamye. “In adult movies, sometimes you’ll see a woman having an orgasm as soon as the man enters her, or within the first few minutes…yes, it’s possible, but for most women, it takes a lot longer, and in many cases in porn, it’s being faked. You will see genuine orgasms in film, the feminist movement in porn has been great with making movies that are more ‘real,' but in most films a lot of the orgasms are faked. At least 75% of the time.”
And just to avoid any unnecessary arguments, Nina strongly advises: “Be sure that your partner knows that you want them, and not the actor or actress on the screen. You might be thinking in your head ‘That porn star is so hot, she has the perfect ass!’ but yeah…keep that shit to yourself!"
