Rapper. The job everyone aspires to get. Sadly, being a rapper doesn’t take too much thought anymore, and almost anyone with at least a fourth grade education can become a rapper. You don’t even need lottery ticket-style luck to make noise in the rap game now; simply sell yourself and music as the current jigaboo sensation to a tall Israeli, and one day you too will be able to make an appearance on Rap City like KFC mixtape “artist” D Mawl.

Slore. Groupies, tricks, scallywhops: no matter how you slice it, the reputation of the slore has shot to higher sights thanks to the, ahem, actions of one Karrine Stephans. Whereas simply collecting child support checks were the item du juor before, sleeping with a multitude of rappers, goons, dope boys and producers will almost certainly guarantee a book deal from Harper-Collins, or at least whomever publishes those Zane joints.

Tall Israeli. Becoming a powerful figure in rap is no easy task. You have to be willing to lie, cheat and steal your way to the top, crushing any and every form of opposition there is. As proprietors of all the major music labels, clothing companies, alcohol breweries, Indian casinos and flea markets across the nation, Tall Israelis are truly running this rap shit, and being from the Middle Eastern countries doesn’t hurt too much, too.

Weed Carrier. It’s a known fact that two-thirds of people under the age of 25 have carried weed for somebody during the last five years. Hell, chances are you’re probably carrying weed for somebody as you read this. Piff pocketing, cheeba stashing, wig brushing: all are nothing more than internships for the aspiring industry star. Carrying is a must, as not only does it get your foot in the door and your eyes redder than stop lights, but also weed carrying is the pathway to each and every profession mentioned in this piece. If it can grant Memphis Bleek with a lifetime supply of Rocawear clothing, surely it can do the most for the average Joe.

While getting a job has gotten much more difficult in the new millennium, the influx of music-related professions means that’s there’s new avenues to get ahead. And if all else fails, I’m pretty sure there’s a Macy’s out there more than willing to take your application.