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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Beyoncé: Hoe, Sit Down Edition

Note: I am not taking shots at all women in any way, and I do not mean all women are like this. Lord knows I’m not trying to ruin my chances with any future ex-wives (Rayne215, I’m looking in your direction). However, if you are a woman and get offended by this post, perhaps you should take a look in the mirror and re-evaluate things, yes?

If anything, I blame Beyoncé for the Black society’s current ills whenever it comes to male and female relationships.

See, back when she was lamping with Kelly and those two other chicks who were originally in Destiny’s Child before they were replaced by two uglier, lesser talented (and by “lesser talented” I mean “less easier on t he eyes”) chicks, their big singles at the time happened to be cuts where they came off as money-hungry, skeezer gold-diggers trying to get guys to pay their phone and credit card bills but called them out for trying to spend some time with them. What the fuck, ladies: we gotta pay your bills but can’t fuck afterward?

Malarkey, I say.

Then ironically after wanting some gullible chump to re-up on their Boost Mobile minutes they start talking all kinds of wild jibba jabba about how they’re a survivor and an independent woman. So let me get this straight: you’re an independent survivor that wants a guy to pay your bills and leave you the fuck alone?

Excuse me if I call bullshit on that one.

Now because Beyoncé and her merry band of wig brushers were off promoting such contradictory bullshit, some of today’s women are feeding into this funny-style ideal where they too feel they don’t need a man for anything outside of paying for something. That doesn’t make you independent; that makes you a whore. Don’t believe me? Check out any random broad from the Beauty & Brains section’s MySpace page, where they say something about being independent on their page. Not to say that they’re whores but, well, they are wearing a hooker’s uniform in those pictures. That shit is confusing sometimes.

Just saying.

Anyways, now Beyoncé just dropped this new video, “If I Were A Boy,” where she envisions how things would be if she were the one cheating on her spouse, trying to make it seem as if men could feel a woman’s pain. For starters, didn’t Ciara do something like that a few years ago? Second, not all guys are going to feel shitty if their wiz cheated on them; they’d likely chunk up the deuce and dive into another woman within weeks. Third, Beyoncé is quite possibly the single-most prevalent reason why some Black women today are insecure as shit, thanks to her light-skinned nature making it harder on the dark butts of the world (Bria Myles >>>> Beyoncé, in my opinion) and her naturally fake hair inspiring women to be ashamed of their original flow and tossing all kinds of Just For Me in their shit (Wahidah Fowler >>>> Beyoncé, in my opinion). Finally, do you really want to know what it’s like being a guy, with all the alimony and child support and prostate exams and police nightsticks across the temple and shit? Do you really want to deal with the getting the shaft because women like yourself are convinced that all guys ain’t shit unless they either sell crack rock or got a wicked jump shot?

I’ll be dead-ass serious: I don’t even think Beyoncé is all that. Sure, she’s cute and has a nice body, but I’d rather take either a bonafide freak like Mya, a round-the-way girl like Lauren London or a straight up wifey material like Kerry Washington over her any day of the week or, if I’m lucky, a combination of all three. I could never imagine being with any woman that’s as contradictory as Clayton Bigsby; the urge to slap the earth, fire, wind, water and heart out of her would be too great.

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