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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Did Puff Daddy Jerk Pete Rock?

Whenever you’re sick, you never really think about much outside of being sick, or – in my case – things that take your mind off being sick so that you’ll be able to function throughout the day. Mine in particular happens to be an unwavering focus on el grande nalgas, which I may think could be a problem since my newfound Internets fame and refocused journalism hustle has me essentially chained to a damn computer more often than I’d like to be. But we’ll talk about that issue another time.

Speaking of dark butt discrimination, before I took my, errr, extended vacation from this section a few weeks ago I had planned on tossing up some half-assed post on why Cassie could inexplicably get it five ways from Friday. But outside of disclosing certain fantasies that would likely debase this section’s “reputation” (who do you think got that disclaimer tossed at the bottom of every blog?), I couldn’t really think of anything outside of, well, the fact that she’s a rake-thin, half-talent mixed chick that happens to be easy on the eyes. Not that I don’t discriminate, but when two skinny people are having sex it’s like a pair of twigs being rubbed together to start a fire, and that’s not my particular cup of Kool-Aid.

* Insert Yung Berg-style discrimination against skinny women protest here *

On top of that, Puff Daddy (likely) beat those walls in, and that shit is an instant turn-off to me given his over-the-top antics and cutthroat demeanor, each of which I’ve always felt contributed to the murking of the greatest rapper of all time, the Notorious B.I.G. [1]. Think about it: had Puff not insisted Big should stay in Los Angeles for a muh’fucking Soul Train Awards after party – does Soul Train even exist anymore? – he likely wouldn’t have a Swiss Cheesed corpse chilling in a New York cemetery to continually rape for his publishing via those shitty “posthumous” albums.

But even if he weren’t financially BuFu’ing Voletta’s only child he’d be finding some way to make money on the back end, probably through his beat jacking hustle. It’s a known fact that Sean has always taken a Dr. Dre-esque approach to producing, i.e. plucking a group of wet-behind-the-ears rookie producers off some random corner, giving them a gaudy necklace and promising to fulfill their starry-eyed aspirations in hip-hop by making beats, only to add a random-ass snare and some adlibs and claim the beat as his own. The most famous of this is when he swacked Pete Rock’s entire idea for what became the beat for “Juicy.” Although Pete claims he’s content with everything, perhaps Pete feels some sort of karmic retribution coming back to him because of the people he may have screwed over in the past, or at least if you ask the Internets. Or maybe his being so calm, cool and collected over what could have been a career changing beat getting hijacked could be the result of Puff’s legendary gully status in the industry, and his willingness to shatter a Cîroc bottle over anybody’s head if they dare step out of pocket with him. My guess would definitely lean toward the latter, but that’s because I’m an asshole like that.

In a sense, I’m almost glad that Biggie isn’t alive to see his legacy burn worse than Travis Barker and DJ AM. At the same time if Chris were alive, would we see such funnystyle behavior from his supposed homeboy? I wouldn’t even answer that question, on account that I like having my skull in one piece.

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: if he had the space in his coffin to do so, Biggie would be turning in his grave.

[1] I’m sure there will be a couple “2Pac > Biggie” comments from that line alone, but needless to say I don’t give a shit.

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