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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Loser’s Circle

“Soy un perdedor/I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?” - Beck

Since I’m on the topic of bitchasses this week, what’s been more baby-shit softer than so-called “urban” music? Of all the musical genres porch monkeys like my dark-skinned brethren invented [1], nothing is more flawed than the only sounds Blacks are most prevalent in. Whether it’s fake Pfizer kingpins or fake revolutionaries or fake style icons or fake rock stars or whatever fake shit I’ve left out, urban music has got to be the most schizophrenic music that’s out right now.

Most rappers are sweeter than fructose, yet fans will clamor to their every brazen, violent threat under the disguise of real. We consider average Joe rappers gay because they’d rather take a chick to the movies, Applebee’s, Blockbuster’s or state fairs while dipped in the finest of wears, fitted or baggy, yet praise phony kilo pushers that contribute to the spread of STDs, parentless children and men and women left scorned from their relationships. I should know; I still get pissy-mooded at one that crash-landed before it could even take off sometimes. And so-called lyrical people-lifters are as equally contradictory, and I feel most of them just use that propaganda bullshit to get more ass than a toilet seat. Case in point: all the YT chick love dead prez was getting at a Rock The Bells after party I attended while in Denver a mere hours after they were railing against palefaces at the festival.

We got underage bootyhole pirates running to BET and can still pull numbers at stores and sell out arenas across the country thanks to the same demographic they sexually prey upon. We got bitchmade schlups thugging over the Internets of all places. The only thing I’m not too mad at are the cats catching the chainsnatcheyejammie disease. I feel in an almost karmic way that those humps getting punched in their mouths for their gaudy necklaces are actually deserving of it, because it’s a physical reminder that they can get shot off their high horse at any given moment.

What’s a damn shame is when cats in other countries are doing the shit better than we are in its birthplace. I’ve heard and read many stories on how places like Japan and Toronto are killing it with their interpretation of hip-hop, dancehall and R&B (no rap and bullshit), and although my firsthand experience is limited, I’ll have to concur with the majority. Hell, on a semi-related note international women >>> Amerikkkan women, including those over here that have like 26 different ethnicities in them, like the Beauty & Brains broads. Have you mucklucks seen Brazilian women? Jesus Cristo.

I’ve spent a lot of time, rage and chicken-fueled vitriol on everything from quasi-homosexual rappers to anchor-headed R&B chicks to everything in between over here. Real talk is that I’ve lost most of the energy to go in on that shit anymore not because it’s passé to do so, but simply because it’s just sad watching that shit go down in the first place. I can’t even relate to rap anymore; I’m too old to be running around like a retarded hybrid of Stevie Williams and Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but too young to be considered a so-called “old head.” My expectations in music are lower than Ketchum’s latest list, so how would I look like trying to prove to people that Lil Wayne is wack, overexposed and overrated?

[1] I dare someone to prove to me that minorities didn’t have a hand in creating every genre of popular music out today. Go on, I’ll wait.

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