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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Sometimes These Ni**as Need To Stay In Jail

You know for all the time and energy the bacon battalion puts towards locking brothers up, beating and/or shooting them and shoving Billy clubs up their various orifices and whatnot, they obviously aren’t doing a good job of keeping them locked in the clink when they actually get the chance to do so. And, given the frequency of which these idiots seem to find themselves in trouble, the revolving door theory has never been truer.

A personal theory of mine is that most cops were either bullies with some weird Napoleon complex, or dweebs that were picked on, teased and ridiculed during their years in high school which – thanks to an absence of self-confidence that subsequently prevented them from being able to partake in some whoopee – take their frustrations out on the first person that doesn’t use their turn signal, which explains their lack of intelligence to keep rappers under the earth. How asinine is it that there’s a task force solely dedicated to keeping rappers under constant surveillance, yet are unable to stop their revolving doors from spinning out of control?

A few prime examples would be the blatant fuckeries from DMX and Suge Knight. Earl has been locked up more times this summer than I’ve gotten ass this year, which is pretty sad on both parts, while Suge – who is obviously still rife with embarrassment from catching a two-piece and a buttered biscuit from a barber of all things a few months back, despite the fact he had 2Pac killed (don’t front) – was released from jail a few days ago, even though he was caught by a few people smacking the flames out of a woman’s ass. I’d say that they’ve been able to evade prison because of their notoriety in rap as well as being financially fit to diddybop out of jail, but we all know those two are probably the brokest people in hip-hop today.

Which is still way richer than my own menial bank account, but at least I’ve never had to shower with 12 other grown ass men at once.

My solution? Keep these jackasses locked up for at least a month or two, which will likely lead to their assholes being turned into funnel cakes. Let’s face it, people: everybody who’s been locked up for longer than a weekend has either been fucked in the ass, seen somebody being fucked in the ass, heard somebody being fucked in the ass and/or have been in the general vicinity of someone getting fucked in the ass, which is quasi-homosexual no matter how you slice it. Perhaps after seeing some burly inmate repeatedly getting taken dry by Fleece Johnson would compel them to think, “Hey, I might just get fucked in the ass while I’m here. Maybe I shouldn’t do dumb shit that would put my sphincter at risk so often.”

Shit, that video scared me straight!

You could be the so-called hardest one out, but just being around a dry reaming would make anybody squeamish. Think about it: if Suge Knight can get cold-clocked in front of everybody and the assailant can get away with it, who’s to say that he won’t be used as currency in prison? It’s not like anybody’s really scared of him now anyways. Imagine if Suge of all people did get anally violated in prison; I guarantee you nobody would rap about getting locked up for nothing anymore.

Oh, and *stop, eject* to this entire post.

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