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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

The New Barber Shop Talk

A funny thing happened to me over the Internets of all things yesterday.

While I was digging through my emails trying to get my uncles in Nigeria to stop sending me those phony money scheme shits, I stumbled across the most wildly random of messages. Nah, it wasn’t the OG version of Ready To Die, nor was it the reports that two doctors from Houston of all places may have found the cure to the germ of all germs, and it sure as shit wasn’t that BangBros. clip with N.O.R.E. making yet another mockery of Puerto Ricans, Blacks and the Tri-State Area as a whole.

It interestingly enough was a clip of Fox News shooting the breeze about Ludacris’, errr, pro-Obama lyrics on his latest mixtape that nobody really copped, and the shit was for free! Good looks, Wemix. That’s what happens when you don’t get the Cartel to – for the right price – make your shit tighter.

But I’m not here to discuss all that. Nah, because in the clip the schmucks over at Fox decided to give the side hustle an unintentional shout out while trying to prove that Barack (Barak? Baraka? Barry?) was nothing more than a radical who hangs around with and gets co-signs from misogynistic, violent rappers. Where’s Correctional Officer Ross when you need him?

Seriously, check it out. Check at the 18-second mark, when they’re playing a clip of Chris Lova Lova’s song, then look at the bottom right corner of the still shot. Lather, rinse and repeat again at the 6:10 mark as well.

It kind of caught me by surprise really, knowing that someone from that network actually finds time to peep the site in between the shit smearing and all.

Oh, and I guess I’m supposed to divulge my opinions on what Sean Hannity tried to do too, or something? Something about how he’s nothing more than a hired goon who uses the widespread, mainstream resources of a neo-conservative network – which ironically has an ultra-liberal local sister channel that steadily wins Emmy Awards for Best Animated Series, but I digress – to try to once again pick apart hip-hop culture and deem it as the musical Anti-Christ while pretending as a pundit for all things right, right?

Sorry, you won’t find that here. I’m transcribing this Hell Rell interview and downloading a two-for-one flick starring both Lacey Duvalle and Olivia O’Lovely, so as you can see I’m kind of preoccupied at the moment. Not to mention I really don't give a fuck in the first place.

Much like this section has been a source of quasi-racist bigotry, smoothed out on the hip-hop tip with a Nigerian appeal to it for the past 16 months, there’s always gonna be a place where people are gonna speak their own opinions and – while they may listen to opposing views – will likely not give a flying fuck what anybody else thinks of them. It’s not like we’re telling you what exactly to think, say and feel, mind you; most people just spit their shit, then keep it pushing with their everyday lives. It’s up to the listener to either believe it or take the shit with a grain of salt.

For all you smart-dumb cats, think of it like this: is Vida Guerra – or some equally bad equivalent – said you could smash only if you believed that drinking period blood prevent wrinkles, cancer and halitosis, would any of you yuckmouths be dumb enough to actually accept that shit? Even if I rubbed her ass and a Robin Williams popped out to give me three wishes, ain’t no way I’m getting down with that. And at my age, I’m liable to do damn near anything within the legal boundaries to get some cream on my johnson.

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