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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

The Vastness Of The Internets And Its Attached Fagitry

In case you’ve lived under a rock for the past year or so, chances are that if you’ve visited this site on any given day since April of 2007 you’ve either seen a minstrel picture or a shot of some wild, bushman-looking eyeball glaring back at you [1] followed by some self-gratifying non sequiturs and a few smart-ass remarks. And chances are you’ve either chuckled at or agreed with what was written (I know I do!), rolled your eyes at my words or gotten asshurt, called me all kinds of homosexual jibba jabba, sent an insulting email, or a combination of the latter three.

I never knew so many goobacks cared.

In any case, I may talk my shit and ruffle a few feathers, but the one thing I’ve never done was threaten anybody, particularly over the Internets, because a: cyber-thugging isn’t my style and is about as mentally, physically and spiritually beneficial as a foot tug job from a Catholic priest, and b: given my slender stature and ethnic background, I’m more likely to send you an email fronting like I’m a widow of a deceased, high-ranking prime minister from Nigeria offering to hide a few million dollars in your bank account if you give me the account number, or kick a soccer ball into a net for my national team, than I would trying to get you to circle yo’ crib to come punch you in the face.

Besides, I could never be a thug; they don’t dress this well.

But the real reason I won’t is simply because I never saw the deal with browbeating others on the World Wide Web, particularly when not only most people not share any kind of connection with each other, but some may not even be in the same country, much less the same city, with each other as well. To paraphrase, ironically, an old e-nemesis of mine, fighting over the Internets is akin to winning the Special Olympics: even if you win, you’re still retarded.

But leave it to some random-ass younglings to get asshurt over some forum thugging and react by fucking up the ever-loving shit out of some hip-hop sites, shutting them down in the process. While the sites’ misfortunes will almost certainly help the bottom lines of my overlords here - not to say we pulled that stunt off for the sake of boosting our visitors that is, but I’m not gonna front like someone taking out our competition for us is a bad thing – the fact that a 15 year-old would ether the holy hell out of a company’s site because a registered user whose own opinions are largely unfettered and probably have nothing to do with them per se is pretty fucked up.

* Sees disclaimer at the bottom of blog *

So that’s why they put that shit down there.

While on one end it tempts me to curb my eloquently dismissive shit- talking for sake that I wouldn’t want the MySpace page I rarely use hacked into, at the same time I figure I haven’t shot out enough madness to warrant that to happen in the first place, so at the end of the day I must be doing something right.

[1] I would switch the current picture up, but truth is that I don’t really care much for the Internets outside of music grifting, my side hustles and the occasional (read: more often than I should) porno viewing.

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