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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Wow, Young Buck. Wow

We’ve all had those moments. Damn if you’re the hardest thing on the shelf, everybody who visits this site and reads this shit; we’ve all had those crossroads in our lives where things do not make sense. We vent to our parents/guardians, our other halves, our friends, even random strangers who just happen to be around sometimes.

I’ve had my moments. Don’t let the mean-spirited banter fool you; Mek Dot has those times where he’d rather just sit back in the warm embrace of a loved one than clutching a near-empty bottle of Smirnoff drinking the pain away. This rap shit won’t allow it, though. We’re unable to let the guard down, not even in our private lives anymore, shrouding our inner selves in levels of testosterone-fueled machismo. In a sense I understand why rappers tend to drown themselves in pills, purple and Patron until their brains have gone completely numb. Then again, my logical side doesn’t get it at all: if rappers are swimming in the various amounts of vaginal orifices– and to a lesser, more meaningless effect, the number of Stanleys that give this as the first reason why people “hate” on them so much – they’ve shilled for profits in the first place, why literally self-ether yourself with crack, sour diesel, PCP, HGH and whatever man-made narcotic is out there? Rappers stay losing.

The problem with being unable to do so is that it looks hilarious when you actually do so sometimes. Not to say that I’m an uncaring bastard (right...) but I’m likely going to laugh each and every time a supposed hard-nosed rapper breaks down and starts weeping because they can’t keep it together. Aside from proving to me that their supposed 24-hour toughness is about as official as this Iron Man DVD I made sitting on top of my television, watching a grown man – particularly a rapper – cry just tends to crack me the fuck up.

But this shit right here… this shit is just all kinds of wrong.

But damn if I didn’t crack the fuck up while listening to it though.

Yesterday this audio of current G-Unit castaway Young Buck not-so-mysteriously sprouted up all over the Internets, and if you’ve never heard it yet, I invite you to click that link below to hear it, as the rest of this post may be a bit of a spoiler.

Young Buck’s Phone Call To Curtis (audio)

Now, I have two theories about this phone call getting leaked: some random-ass G-Unit flunky who obviously isn’t pictured here was perhaps yearning for a promotion and Linda Tripped this “private” convo with Curtis and Darnell for everyone to hear; or – to use R. Kelly’s mole/Little Man defense – it was a Buck sound-alike openly weeping on the line. Mind you, it was the kind of bawling that only happens when your pet puppy dies, but whatever.

What makes this more impacting was the fact that Buck was screaming all kinds of “Fuck G-Unit” at this random-ass show, which made its way onto the new mixtape just 24 hours prior, which to me seemed more of a self-assertion, like when someone looks in the mirror and says positive things about themselves to build up their confidence before breaking down like Janet Jackson did in Poetic Justice, than an actual bold statement especially given how small and ratty-looking the club he performed in was. Have you ever seen those neon orange, pink or yellow posters in bold, black letters that advertise said rappers performing at some nondescript venue tacked up to a light pole chilling on the side of a freeway entrance next to the peanut peddler? It looked like one of those types of shows, where security doesn’t even bother searching anybody for weaponry because they’re like, “Fuck this, you couldn’t pay me enough to touch all next to some guy’s balls to look for a blammer.” So obviously Buck isn’t as well off as he was when he used to carry Curtis’ bags off the airplane in Angola.

Once again, I’m not sure what happened exactly nor have I heard the phone call in its entirety, though I’m pretty sure most of it will be left out to better Curtis’ standing, but isn’t this all a bit too coincidental considering there’s a new G-Unit album dropping next week and I’ve barely heard anything about it? You would think by now that the marketing plan would have changed after so long, but then again it’s not surprising at all.

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