• » Name: Meka Soul
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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

YouTube Is The New Mixtape

Real talk is that a lot of rappers shouldn’t even be rapping anymore. Not to question their skills on the mic – though I’m sure I can think of a couple goobacks whose rhyme books should be tossed into the same flames that’s blackened my heart – but everybody knows you can’t make money rapping. You think Weasel gets his codeine and Dimetapp money off his hash trays?? Never. He’s either getting guap from fronting like Whitney Houston at concerts or his allowance after tonguing down his illegitimate father. I wonder what he got Bryan for Father’s Day. Then again, I don’t.

The only reason people get into rapping is because if you’re one of the lucky few smart enough to think you’re tricking a TI to spend a couple thousand on your dumb ass, you can parlay it into trying out different business ventures, like nasty-tasting bum wines and designer skinny jeans. My thing is, why hasn’t anybody done anything remotely lucrative with their slave owner playing cards? If I had that kind of change, I’d build more Laundromats in the hood and stock it full of Latino employees. Shit, in this recession most of them would be happy to be working for pennies on the dollar. You should see the Laundromat I live next to. Shit looks like a damn club with all those Mexicans fighting over the big dryer. Shout outs to The Tunnel.

But now you don’t even have to be a legitimate artist to jump into the game and grab a deal. Pharrell got that “Google Me” chick after seeing her on My Super Sweet Sixteen. On a side note, I flipped it to MTV the other day and Bow Wow had a super sweet 16 party although he was 21. Mr. 106 & Park can’t even get the numbers right? Maybe that’s why he’s going to war with random-ass used draws sellers and former jump-offs. I guess that bodyguard who raped him when he was Riley Freeman’s age got him looking for his childhood like he’s Michael Jackson now.

Speaking of YouTube fuckery, Jermaine Dupri recently signed up some youngling to a deal just off the strength of her own YouTube videos. You know rap’s in dire straits when that happens. But blame the RIAA for all of this to happen. Instead of performing useful tasks, like limiting the number of prom night dumpster baby albums to come out, they shut down Napster, not knowing the unbridled power that program could have brought to the entire music industry, unleashing hordes of copycats in the process. Guarantee if they worked with it instead of dismantling Napster I’d probably buy albums more. Then again, we’d still have this dumbass in office wiping out jobs around the country, so I doubt it.

You don’t need to rap to get a good enough buzz; Shawty Lo’s been laughing straight to the bank, and he raps about as good as my moms, which is to say not at all. All you need to do is cause enough ruckus on the Internets, and pretty soon you’ll be in a music video with Weezer also. Then you can own your own line of bedazzled Capri pants with the back cut out to sell to all the boys in the yard. Like Gangstalicious.

Naux haux maux to that last line.

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