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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Adventures In The Land Of Racial Profiling

“Damn, hope that ten Gs aint hurtin that man's pockets. It's funny, a lot of rappers get pulled over for "routine traffic stops." I can't stand the damn police.” – Some random-ass commenter on Coolio’s (I know, right?) arrest on a random-ass site

Story time, everyone. Gather around.

The day after I moved into my new shindigs in downtown Los Angeles, I got pulled over by the police while returning back to my former shithole to clean it. Maybe it was the fact I had on a green doo-rag, which could have been easily mistaken as a show of gang appreciation for the crew Mitchy Slick (what up IFux!) runs wild with down there in San Diego, or the fact that it was karma biting me in the ass for the one time that – on the way home from a club where I ended up drunkenly tonguing down a complete but fine-as-shit stranger – I asked a cop for directions to the freeway while still heavily shitfaced and like a dumbass he helped not knowing I was drunk as shit to begin with, but the next thing I know I had to turn off the car and place my hands on the wheel with one cop asking me if I had been drinking – at eight in the morning, nonetheless - while his partner did a background check, possibly seeing if I had a warrant thanks to the decade-old foot race that went down.

Eventually I was let go with a warning. Here’s a word of advice, peoples: if you get pulled over for no reason, particularly when you’re alone, know your role and shut your mouth, because the chances of you catching a night stick up the sphincter increase tenfold when you step out of pocket. It sucks, yes, but at least you’ll get to rest your head on your pillow at night instead of biting down on it.

While the average victim is quick to call racial profiling – which would be entirely logical under certain circumstances – people have to realize that despite the advances in technology, the quasi-improvement of race relations and the fact that Amerikkka may actually get a Negro (Halfrican?) to “run” this country, minorities [1] are still susceptible to the most basic of bullshit, such as being followed by Korean shop owners while inside their store, getting funny style glances when walking into a clothing spot or catching wreck from a cop, thanks to the actions of a few idiots in this country (read: the whole "one person fucks it up for the rest of us" ideal). In laymen’s terms, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

It also doesn’t help that these rap yaki tossers are doing absurdly obnoxious shit as well, essentially fucking it up for the rest of us. Had Clifford not been trying to be all The Punisher and cop an assortment of blammers and, to a lesser extent, that one jig from Bone Thugs-N’-Harmony who thought it’d be a great idea to shoot pigeons off his roof with an AK-47 [2], then rap about the mess to begin with, or had people not decided to take their vengeance on a rapper by lighting the ever-loving shit out of a weed carrier’s chest cavity, we probably wouldn’t have a Hip-Hop police to begin with. I mean, you don’t see 5-0 (no Curtis) following Daughtry, Scarlett Johansson (that YT got some tig ol bitties!) or 3 Doors Down because of the shit that Marilyn Manson and Ozzy Osbourne did back in the day. For the record, chewing the head off of a bat > ethering a piff pocketer.

I’m not saying that being racially profiled is perfectly fine because it really isn't even legal to begin with, but it isn’t a coincidence that it happens so often to the average citizen once you take into account all the bullshit rappers do in the first place. You don’t see that one guy (not Pharrell) from The Neptunes get caught up in anything, and I barely see any cop cars in Koreatown. Maybe it has to do with the whole skinny jeans look though.

[1] Note that I didn’t say a specific race but rather minorities, also known as the 95% of this country that isn’t in that 5%. Fuck what you heard, I’ve seen White, Latino and Asian people unjustly catch hell from cops too.

[2] Seriously, folks, how in the blue hell are these idiots getting such easy access to super heaters? My friend couldn’t even cop a pair of blast knuckles from the swap meet without catching stares from a rent-a-cop of all people.

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