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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Instigation Is The New Black

A long time ago back when I was in high school there were these two girls in my graduating class who were the best of friends. Both were particularly cute – well, cute by high school standards at least – and one which I had a decent sized crush on had a pretty dope frame thanks to her years of dancing. The other wasn’t as fit, but shorty had a banging fatty partnered with a pair of breasts so large – well, large by high school standards at least – that they were practically begging for someone to motorboat them.

I’d continue to rant on about my lust for wanting to have squeezed shorty doo-wop’s milk makers all throughout high school, but that wouldn’t be the point of this entire post.

Anyways, sometime around the tenth or eleventh grade year, the two of them had a falling out, quite possibly over one of the many homo thugs that’d ran through them back in the day (lucky bastards). Eventually, things had come to a head by my senior year in high school, where some words were misconstrued on some “he said, she said” shit, and ol’ girl with the rack walked up on the dancer chick during the break period for one of the many classes I’d failed like, “bitch, you don’t know me like that!” Some unpleasantries were exchanged – you know, the basic “you’se a hoe” bullshit that seems to really rile women up all the time – and, thanks to the goading from the rest of the students in the class (myself included) the dancer chick tried to style on her thicker, ample bosomed opponent, which turned out to be a huge mistake when she damn near got Rock Bottomed over one of the desks then punched the fuck out Glass Joe-style.

I guess it goes without mentioning that while I helped split up the decidedly one-sided mollywhopping, one of the thick girl’s breasts fell into my hand, causing it to spasm and involuntarily squeeze it while pulling her off of the other chick.

Anyways, the reason I bring up this lurid tale is because quite simply the people who got the two girls gassed up reminds me of the newest hat 50 Cent has put on after shitty rapper, shittier actor, really shitty video game maker and extremely shitty social networking site owner: that of the instigator. For some random-ass reason even I’m not sure of, Curtsy has had his name thrown in these beefs where he’d otherwise have no kind of involvement. When Papoose was supposedly in that squab with Fat Joe, Curtsy was the one spreading the news with his own take on things. Then a few days ago he managed to “secure” an exclusive interview with the jig who supposedly punched out Suge Knight last weekend, which was obviously a load of bullshit; never in my life have I heard anybody from Southern California sound that incompetent before, and I used to live in a city full of idiots for two-plus years.

The entire thing makes me wonder what Fiddy could possibly gain from any of this, if he can gain anything at all. We all know starting beefs has been his thing to do ever since he was doing shitty songs with Onyx, but even this makes no sense. Considering that these people aren’t really selling enough records – or any records at all – for him to try to stop, perhaps he’s just doing this as a favor to Dr. Dre and that OG TI that runs Interscope. But maybe it’s just a means of distracting everyone from the impending beef he’ll soon jump into with Young Buck, as if to avoid a stabbing along the lines of that guy who caught a buck-fifty to the liver after knuckleballing Dr. Dre at the Vibe Awards a few years ago. Whatever the case is, I can’t help but notice that the whole thing smells of bullshit, especially considering it’s around the same time his Jewish overlords are supposed to make some noise for the next craptastically awful G-Unit album. You’d have thought by now that this tactic would have long since stopped being used, then again you know how those Israelis – in all their rocket launching glory – like to work.

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