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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Female Rap Is Out Of Control

Now I know I may have come off a little harsh towards the female half of this planet, but real talk is at the end of the day I’d rather have a woman holding me down for life, or at least not grimacing while cleaning the ass cookies from my body when it’s rendered useless after my inevitable date with a massive coronary thanks to a family history of hypertension. Sure, the tradeoff of that frightening future is a high metabolism in the current, but who wants to really live knowing that they’re essentially a box of chili cheese fries from Carl’s Jr. (or Hardee’s, depending on where you’re at) away from triple bypass surgery?

Anyways, much like my own present situation with the ladies, rap hasn’t been very good to them as of late. In between Foxy Brown being unable to ride a beat because she can’t even hear the shit in the first place, Remy Ma serving time for shooting her wig brusher [1] and the future placed in the likes of that teenager from My Super Sweet Sixteen, the chances of hearing some hedonistically raunchy lyrics from a sex-starved chick from the block is looking bleaker by the minute.

On the plus side, at least they’ve begun picking up the gully reigns left behind once all their male counterparts decided to drop the burners and crack vials and pick up the brassiere tops and leggings. In a way I’m somewhat elated that guys are more open to rocking clothes that aren’t 18 sizes too big, then again having to walk past a bunch of humps in toddler fits like it’s the thing to do is slightly disturbing.

But this lack of female rap doesn’t bode well for that said future of women who don’t want to be splashed with cheap bum wines in music videos to make in order to make a living off it. Everybody likes to talk about Jean Grae, but even I gave up on Jeanius a long time ago. (Thankfully the Internets didn’t. Score one for the cyber-pillagers!) And outside of her who else can you name that has garnered similar attention? I’ll wait for your response.

*turns on XBox 360, loads Max Payne 2, plays for an hour, then returns to computer*

I thought not.

In that manner, me being hard on women isn’t that bad, right? I may talk my wild shit, but at the very least I’m not preventing them from getting actual work in the music industry. You can blame the TIs for that one.

[1] A wig brusher plugging her wig brusher? What a waste of bullets.

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