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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

The Great Depression

News flash, everyone: the American economy is really fucked up right now. Unemployment is back on the rise, more people are back on food stamps and the prices of simple groceries such as milk and cereal have jackknifed to absurd levels. It’s a cold day when I can’t even afford Count Chocula anymore, and that’s nothing more than caramelized sugar clumps. “A part of my complete breakfast,” my ass.

If you really think about it, it could be that this recession has contributed to the downward spiral of lagging sales and general suckiness of not only rap music but also all music as a whole. Granted the RIAA could point fingers at all of us Internets pirates plundering music before they’re supposed to be released, but let’s be real: the only reason why those Jewbaccas are so aggy is because nobody is willing to spend double-digit dollars on a circular piece of plastic and lacquer when they can’t even afford Pampers for their seeds. Besides, unless Scott Weiland himself decided to one day show up at my door step performing “Plush,” the chances of me not copping an album the e-Ski Mask Way are slim to none.

On a semi-unrelated note, I’ve rediscovered my love for Stone Temple Pilots while writing that line.

Real talk is that this trend isn’t going to end soon, even when our beloved overlord is ousted from his tainted seat in the White House and we have yet another shitty president bestowed upon us to drive the country into an even deeper wedge. The Internets has become a more powerful tool than anything, yet labels still struggle to adjust to that fact. They can’t remove its influence, nor can they ever stop its progression. If anything they should adapt and assimilate it so that people will actually want to purchase the music. I have a few suggestions:

* Let shitty, one-hit wonder artists get punched out by their detractors
* Host “how to be a tall Israeli” sessions at local coffee shops and poetry venues
* The 500,000th and millionth buyer of an album should get a free hand job from said artist

If they allowed these and many other creative sanctions to pass, imagine the possibilities. Not only will the economy grow, but also the interest in music will skyrocket to the point where nobody would want to steal an album off of Rapid Share. I’d personally try to buy as many Cassie albums as I can: you know how the Chinese get the happy ending thing poppin’ off. Tell me I’m wrong.

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