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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Yes Hetero

A few days ago I had the pleasure of finally meeting two of the most influential peoples of this site, my esteemed gotdamned editor and the owner of Hip-Hop DX itself. Among an interesting incident at the Korean restaurant [1], one of the topics we talked was hip-hop’s meathead-esque homophobia, where something as relatively simple as a purple shirt can be misconstrued as fruitier than a Kool-Aid Pickle [2].

I’m not going to front like I’ve never been guilty of playing the gay card before; hell, I think I said about three “No Homos” this morning alone. But I’ve always had this theory that hip-hop has warped its denizens' impressionable minds to the point where they've regressed into a state of paranoia-induced homophobia, among other things.

What I’ve always found funny about this is that hip-hop was always kind of quasi-homosexual in the first place, from the tight-ass leather slacks found on the album cover of The Message, to Eazy E discovering those rapping gypsies the Black Eyed Peas, to the greased up bird chesticles of your favorite rapper. What’s always intrigued me is that this not-so-newfound disdain for fruitbags has permeated throughout the hip-hop crowd’s collective consciousness, essentially infecting it to the point where something as minuscule as going into a Victoria’s Secret with your woman is considered softer than a Twinkie filling. Not to digress from the point, but what’s so gay about going with your wiz goes to a thong store to buy a disappearing act, edible G-string? Exactly.

A wake-up call of sorts happened a while ago on a well-known hip-hop news site I mainly “lurk” on. After one particular post previewed Weasel F. Fraggle’s upcoming magazine covers the c-boys went off on a wild tangent, claiming the rapping wombat was a buttfag because, of all things, his belt was unbuckled. While I thought it was nothing more than a hilarious assumption, I found it a little far-fetched when the entire forum deteriorated into a homophobic shouting match, where one person’s own sexuality was called into question because he didn’t see the apparent gayness of the photos.

(To tell you the truth, I couldn’t even see the gayness in those pictures myself; I just tried to divert my eyes from those god-awful close-up shots. A good point brought up in that discussion, however, was the fact that those who so readily call out “fag” a la the Neo-Nazi in Falling Down may have some quasi-homosexual tendencies themselves, but of course it didn't fly.)

If rap is supposed to be the so-called “voice of the people,” is there some sanction saying gays aren’t allowed in the club? I mean shit, with a good chunk of rappers coming off like they graduated from the school of Flaming Fagitry in the first place, it’s pretty hypocritical to detest homosexuals in the first place, even if it makes for a funny joke. On a side note, does anybody else notice how Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton both don’t bother to fuck with gay rights, yet will wrongly chase an ambulance all in the name of “equal rights?” Fucking maricons.

[1] I could go so many ways with this, but I promised not to go all Navin Johnson on this bitch.

[2] You see this shit right here? This is why the South stays losing. Damn if I don’t want one, though.

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