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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

G-Unit: Hip-Hop’s Glass Joe

They say that in life, things aren’t guaranteed. I beg to differ, though; I know at least a couple things that are on a yearly basis:

* Birth
* Death
* Taxes (unless you’re a TI)
* The ambulance-chasing tactics of Sweet Daddy Grace Sharpton and Hymietown Jackson
* Prodigy of Mobb Deep getting punched out by some random-ass rapper

Seriously folks, has sucker-punching Tapdancer P become the new Diwali riddim? All jokes aside, if Saigon mollywhopping the sickle celled former ballerina in a crowd loaded with people and getting away with it is indicative of anything, it’s proof that not only is the once-mighty G-Unit dance troupe is a shell of its former self, but nobody fears their threats of sending rappers to the “artist graveyard” anymore.

My only question is why Fiddy would actually sign the diminutive pipsqueak in the first place. He’s not been the same since Grandpa Simpson turned him into a eunuch way the fuck back when I was living with in my moms’ poolhouse, Fresh-Prince-style, six years ago. But never would I imagine that the guy would get slapped out more than Barry Horrowitz, and that motherfucker was a loser.

But when has anything gone right for G-Unit this year? From poor album sales of crew members to vindictive baby mommas looting Curtsy for more money, G-Unit’s plane has crashed more spectacularly than the one piloted by Cory Lidle earlier this year. And despite the fact that Fiddy’s latest discus is annihilating Silk Shirts' own frisbee overseas, nobody gives a shit because in a sense, the entire crew deserves what’s been coming to them.

Think about a short list of every artist G-Unit has ruined. Ja Rule plays Kris Kringle at local elementary schools, M.O.P. have been wasting away and Styles P and Jadakiss have resorted to making shoddy music videos for “street DVDs” just to keep the lights on. It’s one thing to continuously rag on an enemy, but once the line that prevents said artists’ child from eating is crossed, that’s just wrong.

But who gives a shit about those rich assfaces anyways? As far as I’m concerned, Tru-Life could drop an anvil Wile E. Coyote-style on Prodigy and I wouldn’t give a fuck. And even though the shit is mildly entertaining, we must all realize that none of this is good for hip-hop at all, as it will just cause more conservative pundit pricks and closeted religious fags to use it as a scapegoat for fucking Osama bin Laden of all things.

***

UPDATE: Uh-oh! Guess who's back!

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