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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Hip-Hop Homos

If there’s one thing that has always intrigued me the most about hip-hop, it’s its forever-wavering hypocrisy complex. Seriously, who really believes that Weasel F. Fraggle pushes more keys than Broadwood & Sons, when he can’t even get caught by the fuzz with a loaded gun? I’m not saying he doesn’t or hadn’t, however; I’m pretty sure he can stash the weight in that gaping hole that used to be his ass before Slim and Baby got to it, Bella Donna style (yikes!) [1].

Since I’m on the topic of butt-ramming, it never seems to disappoint whenever rappers turn their tunnel visions onto homosexuality. Actually, that shit could be the highlight of  this abysmal rap year: rappers jumping on gays as if they were the cause of all of society’s ills. I may be fucked up for this, but how hilarious is it that while they’ll say they’re not homophobes, rappers will gladly put a spiked cleat on a fruitcake quickfast?

To me, I’ve never seen a problem with homosexuality, especially when it’s two attractive women involved. But I find it a little contradictive that a rapper will rhyme about his slore having a slore on the side, but will calmly slap the ever-loving shit out of a gay person – as Busta Rhymes did earlier this year – when approached.

I have the sinking feeling that now rappers are attacking gays in order to re-energize their flagging careers. Take former G-Unit punching bag (and part-time mall Santa) Ja Rule, for instance. In his latest rant in Complex, he tried to take the tallest Israeli of them all, Viacom, to task for having two guys tongue-throttle each other on some random-ass dating show in the middle of the day, with the logic behind it being that he doesn’t want his children seeing that. Not to say that he’s wrong (as showing sexually-charged material during after school hours is quite possibly the main reason middle schoolers are having orgies in class while the teacher is out [2]), but if he really didn’t want them to see the shit, it’d be as simple as changing the channel, or turning off the television completely. On the other hand, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t object to seeing two women go at it in the same scenario (hell, I wouldn’t mind either). Um, double standard, anyone?

But parts of me wants to believe that this rampant homophobia is merely being used as a cloak for those rappers who are actually gay but are so deep in the closet, they’d still find the panties they rocked during their high school dropout years. Think about it: it’s common knowledge that the faggotiest ones of all are usually those who heavily deny the shit in the first place, not unlike Colonel Frank Fitts in American Beauty. In that sense, it wouldn’t take a rocket scientist to see who’s the real gay rapper.

[1] Seriously, Lil Wayne may knob-slobbers want to check this out. If you can’t even tell the truth about your age on the world’s most accurate website, how am I supposed to believe you don’t get touched on the inside?

[2] I wrote about this incident a while ago, but I’m too lazy to dig up the piece on it right now.

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