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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

It’s Cheaper To Keep Her

Question: When is it okay to cheat on your woman?

Answer: When your net worth resembles the national debt.

Contrary to the belief that I’m nothing more than a nihilistic, hypocritical asshole that throws the term “cracka-ass cracka” out like candy on Halloween, one of the few things I do believe in is the sacred traditions of a healthy marriage [1]. More than the primary means of preventing your children from going all Chow Yun Fat on a college campus, it’s pretty much the only way for a man to not have their balls tickled more than once a season. Pause.

But what happens when the love is gone? Before, the easiest way for women to hit men where it hurts was to take the children (which I don’t see as a bad thing at all). But thanks to this era of “women empowerment” anthems, more and more females find that it’s much more fulfilling taxing a man for almost half of his shit, which is just wrong.

Case in point: when news hit that former NBA champion and G.O.A.T. baller Michael Jordan was about to get taken for over $150 million from his horse face ex, I wasn’t the least bit surprised. It’s shit like this that makes you not want to wife somebody in the first place. Not to sound like the dick on this site (but let’s face it, it’s probably way too late for that), but you have to assume that the gold-digging skank probably had it in for his money from the gate. I mean, how could you not cheat when the mother of your children was known to come home smelling like Dickey Simpkins of all people?

Now comes word that Bugs Monkey’s babymuddah wants in on whatever money he made from Coke buying Vitamin Water. Not to say I’m Curtis’ number-one fan (I don’t even bother stealing his music off the Internets anymore), but that’s complete bullshit. Much like when Clear Channel sued the shit out of YouTube shortly after they were sold for over a billion dollars, waiting on someone to enter a higher tax bracket before trying to yoke them for their ends is on some extra-fucked up, borderline Mafia shit. While on the surface it may appear that the skeezer is trying to “support their child,” you have to be a complete dumbass to not know that this whore is trying to get some kind of personal gain from all of this. You know she already gets more than enough to take care of the little man and herself in the first place. I’m pretty sure he’s not going to need (or want, for that matter) more G-Unit clothing; that shit doesn’t even sell in Burlington Coat Factory anymore.

It’s a well-known fact that men are not favored when it comes to divorce and paternity courts. So why even bother with marriage when you’re a gajillionaire? You’d have to spend more time worrying about what she’s not going to gaffle from you than the actual marriage itself, which in the long run would destroy the shit altogether. Rich people and marriage = Effed In The Ay.

Besides, it’s never been a cool thing to be married, much less have a girlfriend, in hip-hop anyways, what with every rapper claiming they have a main chick, mistress and a young chick on the side [2]. The exception to this rule would be Jay-Z, but obviously aware that in his old age he wasn’t as proficient in bagging a model chick when you more or less resemble Joe Camel, he inexplicably managed to get one of the hottest jaundice-toned chicks ever. But you know even he had to trick a little to pull that shit off.

My solution to all this? Whether you slide up in some random-ass chick raw and get her pregnant, or do get married and you can’t keep your johnson out from between a nasty groupie’s legs, screw around on the broad when you’re a broke-ass bastard. She can’t get you for half of nothing. Or just dump her and only have sex with white women altogether. Shit, it works for Polow Da Don.

[1] Which is quite possibly the complete antithesis of hip-hop.

[2] In R. Kelly’s case, however, they’d all be one and the same.

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