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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Black Women, An Endangered Species

This past Memorial Day weekend, I took a trip to Tijuana, Mexico for the first time. While I found the city be nothing more than an overrated cesspool of underage drinking and titty bars, I noticed something interesting while indulging in piss-poor beer and surgically altered breasts: all of the strippers are shaped liked black women.

For all the flak they catch on the daily, black women are quite possibly the most bitten species in the world today. From the way they talk to their physical shape to even their complexion, the melanin-thick woman is perhaps the most ripped off thing today, probably even more than hip-hop culture.

My question is, if black women are copied so much, why is it they’re constantly being styled on by men? You would think that despite all the carbon copies out there, most of us would prefer the original thing, but apparently it’s not the case.

Before it became cool to splash them with Cisco in music videos, most broads in music videos were about as flat and pale as a piece of paper. I don’t know about you, but the women in those old-ass Poison and White Snake joints sure as shit didn’t give me a chubby. Pause. I’m not sure exactly when it became the norm, but my first times seeing a thick-bodied chick were on the cover of Ice-T’s Power album [1] and a couple random-ass 2 Live Crew videos. But while rappers were pulling every big-assed-large-hootered woman out of the woodwork, mainstream (read: cracka-ass cracka) America failed to take notice until Jennifer Lopez made it cool. To this day she’s still considered the ideal prototype for a woman’s shape, which I call bullshit on since she hasn’t been thick since she did those flicks with lumberjack palefaces Matthew McConaughey and Ben Affleck.

Now it seems like no music video, commercial, BET television show, workout video, infomercial, strip club or porno is complete without the omnipresent cola-bottled woman. Yet oddly enough, it’s usually a PAWG, Latina or some high-yellow chick. Could it be that while the mainstream wants to adapt the black woman’s shape, they don’t want to accept the baggage that comes along with it? I understand that their attitudes and “independent woman” ideals may scare a couple jigs, but in all honesty who wants some subservient tramp? I may be a biased hater, but I’d at least like a woman who I won’t use as a welcome mat.

The worst part about this is now that black women aren’t as accepted as their whiter versions, people are more inclined to shit on them about their other aspects as well. While I was... err... “researching” the “Beauty & Brains” section of this site, one of its featured women, Wahidah Fowler, was ripped to shreds in the comments section, while Joanna Shari – her Italian counterpart – was “lauded” by most of the humps here. While part of me wants to believe that this is due to the mental programming the TIs have used to convince society that unless your ancestry was tainted by centuries of gang-rapes from white slave owners, thick black girls are about as valuable as a Ugo on cinder blocks, I more or less think that it was due to Ms. Fowler’s name, which on the surface wouldn’t really strike anyone as “sexy,” and her long locks, which are the opposite of the atypical permed-and-burned mane straight from the back of Barbaro’s dead ass, more so than her body. Call me crazy, but I’d rather take a black woman whose moniker is Muslim for “unique” (or “exclusive,” depending on where you look) and is curvier than an autobahn over her paler opposite any day of the week. And while I don’t have any particular preference when it comes to women, I definitely have one when it comes to the woman’s shape, and I’d choose the original over its imitation.

[1] Darlene could still get it to this day. Fuck CoCo.

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