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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Critical Beatdown

A few weeks back, the Internets were in a nostalgia-related tizzy, creating lists of what they felt were the greatest rap albums of all time. When my Central American blogging brother from another mother Belize (who unfortunately holds the title of “the most overlooked and slept-on blogger”) suggested that I should create my own list, I thought about it for a moment, but realized I couldn’t since so much more music inspires and piques my interest in hip-hop. I couldn’t add Illmatic without throwing in the Heath Brothers, nor could a laud about Like Water For Chocolate without acknowledging the contributions of Bobby Caldwell and The Family Stand [1].

Despite this state of confusion, I subsequently followed with a list of timeless songs by otherwise craptacular rappers. Unfortunately it was not well received, as once again I got a shitload of e-attacks for my choices. Not that I wasn’t surprised of course; anybody who honestly believes that Pimp C isn’t a shitbag rapper has got to be out of their fucking mind. He looks like someone who humps ottomans in the off-season, but I digress.

Contrary to popular belief, I don’t hate or have a problem with hip-hop (just the schmucks in it). And while I refuse to listen to music that makes me want to lean like a cholo on the 405 Freeway [2], there are many other sounds that I wholeheartedly support (read: illegally download from the Internets). Without further adieu, I’d like to present a shorthand list of those favorites. In an effort to combat coastal discrimination yet again, I’ll drop one song from each relevant coast (West, East, South and Midwest). Feel free to suggest your own as well.

Federation, “Donkey” (click here): I try not to venture up north too much for music because let’s face it, nothing has set the movement started by the Black Panthers back worse than a bunch of jackasses having epileptic seizures while on the hood of their moving hooptie. Every once in a while however, they’ll pull some incredible shit out of their ass (pause?), and this Rick Rock-produced heatrock is no exception. The braying in the background is fucking priceless, and if there were more videos like this I’d probably respect the hyphy “movement” more.

J-Live, “One For The Griot” (click here): Although the original concepts of New York-based lyricism has regressed into a horrible mish mash of nursery rhymes over shitty Casio beats, there are still a few artists out there that still read a dictionary from time to time. In a song inspired by the movie Memento, the artist formerly known as Justice Allah takes storytelling to another level.

DJ Hi-Tek, “Keep It Moving” (click here) While too many people are thoughtlessly referring to Tooda as the “new Primo” in hip-hop, they’ve also apparently forgotten about the Midwest beatsmith responsible for Rawkus Records’ backpacker renaissance. Honestly, I had a tough time choosing this joint out of about eight others, but it was the soulful cooing, ridiculously ill falsetto [3] and a re-energized Kurupt and Q-Tip that did it in for me.

DJ Premier, “Doobie Ashtray” (click here) and Polow Da Don, “Get Buck” (click here): Speaking of which, not a lot of people know that Chris Martin was born in Houston, then emigrated east. Whereas Tooda has a somewhat annoying tendency to needlessly ad-lib over someone else’s beat to garner some attention, rappers always find their comfort zone within the snares of Premier’s compositions. And as much as I hate to admit, I have a guilty pleasure listening to songs such as “London Bridge” and “Buttons,” thanks to the beats from the King Of The White Girls. “Get Buck” is the best G-Unit song I’ve heard since “Heat” - which has my favorite Dr. Dre beat of all time - thanks to its Grambling Tiger Marching Band-inspired production.

[1] That album would never make my top 25, but follow me for a second.

[2] That shit is slowly replacing “Teabag Dat Hoe” as my favorite worst song ever.

[3] This is how a falsetto should be done. Pharrell should take notes.

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