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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

The Chronicles Of Mason Betha

One of the perks of being a rapper’s cheeba stasher is that some nasty, random-ass whore is almost always willing to partake in some bukkake for a chain and a pair of Dunks without hesitation. While that may seem no different than playing Madden to some, I’ve never envisioned the day where I’d be squirting on a woman’s face with my homeboys. Call me crazy, but the whole thing reeks of quasi-homosexuality.

When a piff pocketer’s time is running out in the game, they either find a way to keep their face in the public long enough for a hoe to get tricked into being tea-bagged by them (pause) or they go an entirely different route for some ass. I know that the whole “no sex means you’re gay” rationale puts a lot of pressure on guys, but then I’ve never understood the logic that getting some head determines how much of a man you are. With all sorts of diseases and conniving-ass broads ready to trap us at any given moment, you’d think that rappers wouldn’t risk catching The Germ or paternity suits at all for some notches on their scorecard.

You can’t help but laugh at them when they pull some off-the-wall shit and end up falling flat on their face however. Akon tried that “trip to Africa” shit on a 15 year old, and he ended up losing his Verizon Wireless deal in the process. But I’m pretty sure nobody wants to be in former Bad Boy and G-Unit bling handler Ma$e’s shoes right now. I assumed that his “hash-holding for Jesus” shtick would have granted him all the Christian ass he could eat, but apparently things are so tough for him nowadays that he sideswiped another driver’s car while trying to pick up a transvestite, which is pretty fucking disgusting. I guess that after getting kicked out of two shitty crews not even the dirtiest whore would juggle his balls (pause), but I never imagined that any weed carrier would be so desperate for sex that they’d actually bang a she-male. But then again, priests - particularly those in the South - are known to engage in immorally gay shit. Word to Ted Haggard.

With the rapidly changing shitty climate in hip-hop, ganja moolies are indeed the most expendable entities in the business. I guess that even after catching bullets and cases for their superiors, they still can never seem to make it. The worst part about the whole thing is that I have a sinking feeling Ma$e was the one who wanted to get touched from the inside (pause!), which is just wrong on all levels. In the words of Samuel L. Jackson, that is some fucked up, repugnant shit.

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