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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Classic Songs By Crappy Rappers

With the entire hubbub from bloggers making lists of the greatest rap albums ever last week, my Central American blogging brother from another mother Belize suggested that yours truly should compose one as well. I originally didn’t plan on making a list, but when the only newsworthy items are Fat Joe grave robbing Big Pun for his rhyme book and arroz con pollo recipe and yet another G-Unit-related shooting, there really wasn’t much to work with today.

That said, it should be noted that this list was composed by a person whose cherry-popping hip-hop experience came courtesy of Please, Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em [1] way the fuck back in the fourth grade, as well as suffer through dustbucket West Coast artists like Mad CJ Mac and G-Moe [2], so if anyone has any inkling of knowledge in regards to shitbag records, it should be me.

That said, much like Hammer’s current status today, 2007 hasn’t been a particularly good year for rap music, whether it’s major label artists either getting employee of the month treatment at Koch or being treated like tax deductibles, or shitty producers making shittier diss songs towards other shitty producers.

That said, there was once a time where some shitty rappers actually made a classic song, thus extending their painful duration in the game. Without further adieu, here is my list of said douchebag rappers in no particular order. To avoid coastal discrimination [3], I’ve chosen one song from each coast (West, East, South, Midwest) as its representative. Feel free to put in your own two cents as well.

Fat Joe, “ The Shit Is Real (DJ Premier Remix)” (click here): Most people today see Joey Crack as nothing more than a chubby rapper who went all Eddie Guerrero (you know: lie, cheat and steal) on Face Dirty’s rhyme book and jetted down to Miami to cash in on their “burgeoning” scene. But prior to his departure, he used to be a card-carrying weed carrier of one of the best crews ever, Diggin’ In The Crates, and was allowed access to their Rolodex to make his somewhat shitty albums back in the day. This one gem from Jealous One’s Envy is quite possibly the best song he’s ever made. The combination of his tough-guy lyrics (“One day I went to visit my aunt and stuck up my cuz”) and Primo’s breezy boom-bap made this the underground anthem of 1995.

UGK, “Pocket Full Of Stones” (click here): Bun B and his AK-toting basehead partner Pimp C created this blueprint for all trap-or-die songs back in 1992. It’s a shame Pimp got high on his own supply and fucked up whatever momentum they had after “Big Pimpin’,” leaving Bun to whore himself out to keep their name relevant.

Eazy-E, “Real Muthaphukkin G’s” (click here): This was a toss-up between this song or Snoop Dogg’s Doggystyle album, but I chose Eazy because there was once a time when Snoop could actually rap. Eazy-E, however, couldn’t rap his way out of a wet paper bag with scissors in his hands, but it sure as shit didn’t stop him from crafting one of the best diss songs of all time with his khaki ironers B.G. Knocc Out and Dresta. If you’ve never laughed at the part in the video that shows a pre-NWA Dr. Dre in a sequin bodysuit, you have no soul.

Cool Breeze featuring OutKast, Goodie MoB and Witchdoctor, “Watch For The Hook” (click here): I could have easily gone with the thousands of craptacular songs that have come out of the south in the past two years, but in their defense, none of those artists were really good to begin with. Back before Andre 3000 became the Vaudeville Villain and that one member of Goodie MoB got his leg ethered, the Dungeon Family were like the southern equivalent of the Wu-Tang Clan (don’t front). This song from former bag handler Cool Breeze’s only album had us all gassed for their eventual shit sammich of a group album [4].

[1] Which still gets regular spins in my iPod to this day.

[2] I can’t even find this jig’s shit online. That should say something.

[3] But let’s be honest; most of that shit comes from the South.

[4] That Purple Ribbon Piff Pocketer shit doesn’t count.

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