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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

Fuck Russell Simmons

A while back I stated that Def Jam Records has become the new artist’s graveyard where their own former platinum-selling artists couldn’t hope to have their album released before the Iraq war ends, much less sell 100,000 copies. Thinking about how hard they fell off (pause), I wonder if the label would be going through the same shit had rap’s original tall Israeli Russell Simmons[1] hadn’t sold it off to support his Chinky giraffe[2] ex-wife’s weed habit.

Not that I wasn’t a fan of Russell’s earlier work. If it weren’t for him, my hip-hop knowledge probably would have started and stopped at Please, Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em. Hell, he even convinced me to blindly purchase two DJ Clue? albums and The Art Of Storytellin’, and those shits stink to high Hell.

But you had to think that something was fishy when he tried pushing off a whole shitload of failed products to poison the hip-hop crowd. I mean, the early-90s horrorcore shit, fake energy soda and debit card were one thing, but when he tried to steal his own diamond mine by employing the students in Oprah’s fake school in South Africa, I knew something was fucked up about him.

I guess it also doesn’t help that a guy doing yoga in hip-hop = kinda quasi-homosexual. But I digress.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never bought into any of his glorified bullshit. And now the OG TI is taking the very entity he made his millions off of (not to mention the First Amendment) to task, joining up with Mr. Hymietown and Sweet Daddy Grace and calling for record labels and radio stations to eliminate the words “bitch,” “hoe” and the dreaded n-word from songs. But much like Calvin’s paper-mâché excuse that rappers can call women nappy-headed hoes but grumpy old cracka-ass crackas can’t, the whole thing reeks of hypocritical bullshit. Unless you’re one of those rich chumps who can afford to fuck off $10 a month just to hear Tony Yayo on satellite radio boast about the next kid he’s gonna slap through a wall, most if not all radio stations are required to bleep those words out. And record labels also put out clean versions of albums as well.

The real reason Rush is pulling this shit is because he obviously isn’t making any money in his other failed ventures, what with Phat Farm clothing being sold in Burlington Coat Factory outlet stores across the nation, and needs a reason to get back in rap. But now that albums are selling as if they came with The Germ that could be his dumbest idea ever.

[1] I know he’s not really an Israeli, but follow me.

[2] They don't call it the world's most accurate website for nothing!

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