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Slap-Boxing With Jesus

P.A.W.G.s Are The New Maybachs

Did anybody else remember (or care) that last month was Women’s History Month? Neither did I, but you have to admit, women have taken large steps towards equality and rights, thus finally allowing men to yoke them for child support for a change. Word to K-Fed.

But whereas most women are stepping their games up, black women just can’t seem to get it together in music [1]. Never mind the staggering decrease in women in the rap game that aren’t shining some random-ass weed carrier’s knob for a few seconds of camera time and a chain; there just haven’t been any (good) female rappers since, say, the days of “Buddy.” Whether it’s Lil’ Kim too busy gorging on White Castle burgers since her prison break a while back to make an album or Foxy Brown going all Usagi Yojimbo on manicurists, shoe salesmen and belt pushers, black women in rap aren’t destined to make it any time soon. Hell, even Young Jeezy isn’t looking towards black women anymore, instead scooping up the finest in black man’s kryptonite in order to support his crack carriers’ new album.

This type of apathy is slowly starting to stretch into R&B music as well. Outside of maybe Ciara (who’s clearly a rip-off of Aaliyah), there haven’t been any groundbreaking women singers in the past five years [2].

And while black women can’t seem to catch a break in black music, most recently white women are the ones breathing a new life into the dying genre. Last year, Christina Aguilera went and grabbed DJ Premier out of whatever YMCA he spins at for her new album, while fellow former Kids Incorporated cast member and meth-head Fergie went platinum with her “white chick in a black (multicultural?) band” shtick. Even paleface UK imports Lily Allen, Joss Stone and Amy Winehouse are doing more for black music than Keyshia Cole, Rihanna and the leftover broad from Destiny’s Child (you know who I’m talking about) ever did [3].

Where does that leave black women? Well, unless they’re pulling an Oscar out of their ass, I’m not expecting them to convince me to illegally download their album anytime soon [4].

[1] What was the last female rap album to come out? Somebody enlighten me.

[2] I swear I thought about this for a good five minutes, and I couldn’t think of anything outside of Cherish and Brooke Valentine. And “neo-soul” artists don’t count.

[3] Extra props go out to Joss for banging Raphael Saadiq for a few beats. Pause.

[4] More props goes to my twin sister who finally landed a job that’ll actually require the usage of her law degree. Nappy-headed hoes, take note.

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