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Riley Freeman = My Hero.

March 11, 2008 | Tags: none

This might be because I’m the lone sole in my circle that doesn’t watch The Wire, but these days, my favorite TV character is Riley Freeman from The Boondocks. While he was always hilarious in the comic strip and the first run of the show, Season Two has seen Riley (a.k.a. Riley Escobar, a.k.a. H.R. Paperstacks, a.k.a. Louis Rich, like the turkey bacon, what?) evolve to new heights. Armed with the writing of Aaron McGruder and the brilliant voiceovers of Regina King (who, amazingly, voices Huey also), Riley’s misogynistic, mini-gangsta glory has provided for a shitload of quotables on every facet of life. From relationships, to loyalty, to career moves, Riley has the answers.

On masculinity and being hard on hoes:
*(The first two statements were to Tom DuBois, after Usher snatches his wife at a restaurant)

+*"I say toss her groupie ass out the window and let her ass stargaze from outside!"
+*"So this is the message you want to send to the young youth out here like me who are trying to do the right thing and not love these hoes? … All for some white girl who left you left you for some R&B dancin’ ass, sexy flexy ass nigga?"
+“She’s your very first cyber-friend. And you’re her 3 millionth.”
+“Purple speedo? That’s gay.”
+“Uh, yeah. I don’t wanna dickride, so I’ma just, uh, go back to the house."

On snitchin’:
“Don’t snitch, granddad! They don’t know nothing less you tell ‘em!”

On hatin’:
+Oh, let me guess, you’re probably gonna hate [on that diss track] cuz it was about you. You need to stop with the hate crimes, granddad.”
+“I always knew you was a hater, but I never thought you’d be famous for it.”
+“Now before you start hatin’, ask yourself, be honest. Ain’t I’m clean, doe?”
+“But I know I’m not gay, ‘cause I’m the most not gay nigga of all the not gay niggas in the universe! But see, people hate on your when you shinin’, see. That’s what it is. They make up stories. Like me, I stay shinin, so who knows. Pretty soon, people gon be callin me gay.”

On sportsmanship:
+“That’s what you call winning? A nigga’s nuts in yo face? Man, I hate to see what you call losin’.”

On money:
+“Oh no, no, Young Reezy never jokes about his paper stacks.”
+“[Granddad] probably made up this whole slavery thing. What nigga you know ‘gon work all day in a field for no paper?”

Misc. gems:
+“Family? I ain’t ever seen them [Hurricane Katrina relatives] before in my life. As far as I’m concerned, them niggas is the homeless!
+Riley: “Where’d you put my gun?”
Huey: “I confiscated them for security reasons. I have supreme authority until granddad gets back.”
Riley: “You have supreme authority over these nuts, nigga.”
+“That’s a damn shame, you can call a nigga a ‘nigga’ and keep yo damn job.”
+“Talkin bout I’m grounded. I’m Young Reezy! I goes where I wanna go.”
+“Sometimes you just gotta put aside your differences and work through problems with your homie. So y’all to keep to being homies. You feel me…homie?”
+“Yo mama got caught givin’ up neck in the bathroom of the Woodcrest Country Club, and it wasn’t yo daddy.”

Shortly, I'll be commenting on hip-hop happenings - probably The Roots' new songs, "artsy" hip-hop videos, and shit like that. But I first thing's first.

The views and opinions expressed in this blog are those of the writer and not necessarily those of HipHopDX.com or Cheri Media Group.

Return of the Mac

July 31, 2007 | Tags: none

My apologies for the delay, I know it's been a while. But my [attempted] takeover of the journalism industry, new outside hustles, moving back and forth between the hometown and Detroit, fucked up wireless Internet, and a temporarily crashed computer have kept me away from a minute. Either way, I'm back, at least for now.

Along with yours truly, the title alludes to fast food's gangsta. I've been on my health tip this summer, eating better instead of worse and exercising more instead of not at all. I've been working out pretty consistently, but it's been difficult to avoid the delicious, cost-efficient evil of fast food. Damn, I wish I would've started this shit three or four years ago.

Remember? "Supersize Me!" was keeping mufuckas on their toes. Fast food restaurants were taking out trans fat, while adding fake ass fruit plates and salads (complete with garnishing, sauces and sides that make them just as bad as the burgers, but I digress). They even had the nerve to try to incorporate health into these shits with pricey salad + Dasani combos, and little walking meters/radios in the bag. True, there was Burger King's Ultimate Omelette sandwich, but that was an exception to the rule.

But a few years later, cats are getting blatant. McDonald's is putting new advertising money into the Big Mac and Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese on TV, like these shits haven't been out for my entire life already. ("Bigger than a Big Mac?" Fuck outta here.) Wendy's, meanwhile, has the Baconator, the real life version of Granddad's "The Luther" from The Boondocks. Six (6) pieces of bacon, two patties, slices of cheese, and a cheese sauce to boot? It sounds like something that I'd make up to be funny, but the shit's really on their menu. Imagine the meeting of the team that came up with it...

Employee: "Man, I can't work here anymore. We're killing people, and I'm sick of it."
Exec.: "What do you mean?"
Employee: "The food! We'll probably fuck around and put out a double cheeseburger with SIX pieces of bacon on it. And throw some cheese SAUCE on it too, just to be assholes."
Exec: "Shit......nigga, while you playin..."

And dude, uh, there you have it. (©Ludacris)

I wonder what made them so bold again? Constant reports of rising obesity rates are still popping up in news outlets, and even though Supersize Me! came out a while ago, wouldn't the release of a new Michael Moore film have any bearing on their strategy at all? Maybe with Jared on TV fuckin' with star athletes like Tony Parker and Ryan Howard, the higher-ups at these fast food places are taking on a new perspective: "Fuck it - everybody knows we're unhealthy anyway, so let's just embrace that and do what we do best." [1] Sorta like FOX News started doing once liberal stations started to really get in that ass (no Amaechi). It's actually hip-hop as hell when you think about it - flip a finger to the critics, and bang out even harder than you already have.

But I'm outtie; time to cop this good Crossainwich.
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[1] Burger King was ahead of the game with that Ultimate Omelette joint. They should do a smear campaign accusing Mickey D's and Wendy's of biting (no pun intended).