September 06, 2007 | Tags: Cooning

It’s a celebration bitches. I’m here today to bring you the only award ceremony to commemorate people for embarrassing black folk. After sitting and watching “The Ozone Awards” I said….”Damn, everybody got an award show…I should have my own” well guess what? I do. This is “The Mammiez” The official award show for cooning. I’m gonna update this shit as the news breaks on the winners, but first, let me let you take a glance at the first official mammie award……

Female Coon of the year

I figured it only right to start off with the ladies. Shit, this is “The Mammiez”…and cuz you won’t hear much from them tonight. It’s hard enough to get respect as a female, so you can just imagine how hard it is for a black female. Before, the only way a black female could get respect was to be extremely good looking (Halle Berry) or be viewed extremely talented (Whoopi Golburg). That’s not so true anymore. As of late, thanks to the likes of Paris Hitler, Nicole Ditzy, and Kim Fakeassian, (well at least Kim looks good, but that hoe ain’t talented), females have been able to “get on” with no talent or looks. So, within the last couple of years, black females have definitely got their equality in this field. Without further adieu, let me go ahead and announce the winner….

New York! Originally she embarrassed herself along with all the other hoochies on the first season of “Flavor of Love” then she returned as an assistant to Flav and embarrassed herself some more. After several fucked up appearances on gossips sites, and drunk outings at clubs, she returns to the house Flav built (VH1) with her own show “I Love New York”…which was absolute garbage. As far as female cooning goes..New York had that shit on lock son!

Runner up: Monique

Cooning flick of the year

Truthfully, it’s seemed like a slow 12 months as far as cooning flicks. Back in the 70’s, when making a fool out of niggas in movies with the jive talk and all that was popping, this probably would have been the headliner of “The Mammiez”. Even in the 90’s, when the Wayon’s dominated black movies with bullshit, this would have been a lot easier. I know what everybody believes should be the winner…Soul Plane 2 on the green…or “Who’s your Caddy”, but actually, the winner is….

Daddy’s little girls! This movie was absolute trash. With all the praise my people give Tyler Perry, I figured it’d be safe to go check the movie out since his mammie ass character was absent in this movie. No, no, no. This was trash. I tried to support my dude Idris, he really should have left this one alone. First of all, Garbrielle Union in any movie is definitely a bad sign. Second of all, the script/story….garbage! The black chick with cake (in the bank, not in the rear) falls for the black single father from the hood, who’s baby momma left him for a drug kingpin who still stands on corners selling drugs. She comes to find out during his custody battle that he has a rape charge, which he only got because he had sex with a white girl (those evil ass white females…god!) who happened to be like 16 when he was over 18. In the end, after a prayer, love prevails, he gets his kids back, and beats the drug dealers ass. Oh yea, let’s not forget he gets the cake to take over the car garage he works at. God fixes everything black folks. If your parents are cracked out, you don’t have money to catch the bus to school, and your getting punked by the neighborhood bully, pray, and everything will be fixed. Tyler Perry is straight ass!

Cooning Network of the past 12 months

Do I really have to discuss this? We all know who takes the crown on this one. The WB and UPN are far past dead. Black Embarrassment Television (BET) was holding it down, and they tried to make a run as of late, but…

VH1! The house that Flav rebuilt has taken over in the field of cooning on the small screen. “Flavor of Love”, “I Love New York” and “Charm School”? It’s the fucking holy trinity of TV cooning. To be truthfully honest, you can’t get upset at VH1 though. After having a great run in cooning, VH1 has switched over to white folks behaving badly by showing Scott Baio and his pussy pursuing posse, and of course “Rock of Love”. VH1 keeps the ignorance balanced. Who knows what’s next? “The Life and Times of Chavo Guerrero”. Where they follow the Mexican wrestler around as he takes steroids, and drinks alcohol? They can follow that up with “Tego of Love” where they have a gang of Spanish hoes (and a couple black ones) shaking that ass for Tego. Then of course Tego can have his washed up homie Fat Joe pay a visit. If it ain’t VH1 Soul, I ain’t fucking with it.

We couldn't get Navy Boi to show up, his label is tripping. We do have his performance here, so go ahead and check him out doing his new shit "I stole his Bapes". That shit is knocking.....not.

Cuba Gooding Jr Life Time Achievement award 1 of 2

I couldn’t give Cuba Gooding Jr an award…he’s a fucking legend when it comes to this. Therefore, it’s only right I name the lifetime achievement award after him. The first honoree of the CGJLTA is Samuel L Jackson.

How many times are you gonna play a stereotypical loud, angry, or cursing black man? As many times as need be brother. If you need someone to say “Motherfucker” Samual L Jackson is your man. He says “Motherfucker” better than anybody else in film. While he has played some good roles, and he did play the calm collected role in “Star Wars”, Samuel L Jackson’s trademark “loud ass nigga” acting style just oozes red Kool-Aid. (ain’t nothing wrong with Red Kool-Aid, I wish I had some now) . This one is for you Sammy…you DIRTY MUTHAFUCKA!

Multimedia Cooning

The south killed hip hop? No it hasn’t. The south just diversified the hip hop game. While they have brought way too much of that bullshit dancing music, they’ve also brought us the likes of Little (not Lil) Brother. I’ll tell you one thing the south did kill though….

Def Jam Icons! Def Jam Vendetta was originally hip hop's version of the wrestling fan's favorite game, “Smackdown”. It went from there, to an all out brawler, where you got to throw you friend playing as Lil Flip into a moving train (that was SOOOO Dope)in "Def Jam Vendetta 2 Fight for New York". However once the south took over hip hop, Def Jam Vendetta turned into a cheap fight night rip off with like 6 total moves per fighter that included grills, Caddys, and the set of BET’s “106 and Park”. Grills, Caddy’s and 106 and park? It gets no worse!

Straight Reggie Bushin…here’s them 3rd Flo boys doing “The Heizman” on them hoes…

Cuba Gooding Jr. Lifetime Achievement Award 2 of 2

The other recipient of the CGJLA has done so much for the black community outside of his entertainment endeavors, it almost (almost) makes me feel bad for even mentioning his name in “The Mammiez”. Fresh off the streets, Master P took the south, which already had some established artists, picked it up, and threw it at the mainstream. However, with his garbage ass movies, pen and pixel album covers, and corny ass music, Master P is well deserving of a lifetime achievement award. “I Got the Hook Up”…”Hot Boys”….come on man. While he hasn’t done anything amazing bad as of late (except maybe that garbage “Lil Romeo” show), and I do wish the best of luck to Romeo as OJ Mayo’s back up for a year at USC, this CGJLA goes to Master P.

Top Musical Cooning of the past 12 months

This is obviously the hardest award of the night. We already know who the top two competitors are. It’s Hurricane Chris with “Ay Bay Bay” going against Souljah Boy and “Crank Dat”. While “light showers” Chris has gotten way more mainstream love, Souljah Boy has a cult following. After his song got big, everybody started cranking this or cranking that. Crank dat Spiderman, Crank Dat Spongebob, crank everything. Who gets the W?

Souljah Boy Tellem gets the award. Why? Well first of all, at least you can understand all the words in that horrid ass song “Ay Bay Bay”, second and most important ….

White people love it

Athletic Coon of the Year

I figured I’d throw this one in towards the end real quick. So what’s it gonna be, dog fighting, or making it rain?

I make it rain, I make it rain on them bitches….Pacman Jones. If I did go to strip clubs, and I seen Pacman Jones walk in, I’d leave. This dude is the official sign that the strip club is closing. You don’t have to turn the lights on, just let Pacman and his entourage walk in, and everyone will know the club is closed. Not only does he get stopped by the cops 15 times, prior to meeting Roger Godell, what does he do? Check out that NY booty in a strip club in New York. After he get’s suspended, he goes and signs up for a wrestling match. After he’s told he can’t wrestle, he goes through with the match, and doesn’t actually wrestle. As I’m told, the lights go off, and then when they come back on, he’s on the ground. Pacman…sit the fuck down somewhere. Pacman could make a guest appearance on “Tego of Love” with Fat Joe and they could make it rain together.

Coon of the year

So, who’s the biggest Coon of the year? Will the musical coonery take over completely? Will Flava Flav get it? Will it go to New York? Who’s gonna take home the most important mammie award of them all?

I can just see Uncle Sam raising his cup in the air and Al Sharpton saying “Moo Tea Suh”…this ol’ appeasing ass nigga. In attempt to fix his “image” (what image?) after condemning Don Imus (not to be confused with Imus tha Don…Me), “Uncle Al” chased down hip hop, attempted to bury the N word, and wrote letters talking shit about Vick. Basically anything viewed as negative by mainstream America (old white folks) that is black, Al Sharpton was write their to bitch along with them. I’m just waiting for Kanye West to have another random outburst and declare with a hella rehearsed look on his face “Al Sharpton doesn’t care about Black people”. Al Sharpton has definitely earned a permanent seat front and center on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

That’s it. That’s the end of the awards. In conclusion, I look back, and I remember I used to wonder why trilogies were so popular. It’s cuz they keep things from getting played out. On that note, this is the end of my “Cooning” blogs in the way I’ve been doing them. While I may later on do some “Cooning Video” blog where I video tape some shit, but I won’t be writing up long ass complaints on cooning anymore. I’ll come up with some new series of shit, cuz I got a million ideas the run around in my head all day. Much respect to everyone that checked this shit out, the cooning blogs are retired, but the shirt isn’t.

The views and opinions expressed in this blog are those of the writer and not necessarily those of HipHopDX.com or Cheri Media Group.

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